Self Destruction

i dont know why i am so self destructive.  i mean the cutting is the more obvious one but others too.  i mean i dont smoke often but i will admit to smoking my cheap cigars or cloves on occasion.  why do i do this?  well i have nothing against smoking but i thought i'd never do it.  i thought id never smoke. so why?  and i guess a small part is the "glamorization" of it all.  but when it comes down to it, i figure that if i cant commit suicide then i will take up smoking and kill myself slowly.  its not an instant fix but maybe it will speed up the process a tiny bit.  its not only smoking.  why do i drink?  this one i know can damage the liver and such but i dont drink for the same reasons i smoke.  i drink for a couple reasons...its fun and social, its rebelling against the New Life life, its become a college social norm.  but what it comes down to is that it is a place where i can escape.  for those instants that im drunk i can be funny, fun, attractive what have you. and i can escape from what i truly am.  the person that i have been gradually starting to hate over the years.  its an escape from myself and in those instances, life is good.

another thing, self destruction, is it just smoking and drinking? no.  of course not.  it wouldnt be.  but also eating.  ive never been anorexic.  no i love food and junk food way too much.  but being depressed makes me think of it.  and to speed along death, wouldnt it be easier to starve yourself, rather than eat yourself to death?  idk i think about it.

and another thing.  the guys i choose to "go after."  more than not its the jerks.  the ones who just wanna "get some." so what then...we get drunk, flirt endlessly, makeout, maybe do some other stuff (but never all the way) and then thats it.  its usually the story.  and i know how it makes me look.  i know that the type of guys who are nothing but trouble.  i pretty much know which guys just want to have fun and which guys dont.  and yet i still go for the jerks.  its easier to stop feeling and just go for the physical stuff.  and i know i will end up getting hurt, i know that.  it always happens.  whether it is right away or not, i always end up losing a part of me.  and yes, it does hurt.  and yet i keep going back for more.  what the hell is wrong with me?  i know that all of these are self destructive behaviors and yet i cannot change.

i really hate myself.  why cant this all just be over?