Choices

choices. i take making choices. being forced to choose between one thing or another. why cant i just have both?

two things regarding choices sparked my attention now. cutting and boys. seemingly unrelated, but youre wrong. the two almost go hand in hand. anyways, i guess i'll start with boys. i kinda like two of them at the moment, and i guess im being forced to choose one. its messy and i dont like it. i feel extremely happy when im with both of them. theyre both cute, but not drop dead gorgeously sexy like the kind of guys i oogle over with my friends. (oogle is kind of a disgusting word. yep, pretty sure i dont like it...) theyre also both a little geeky. but i like it. :) but one is just so different from the other. i cant quite put my finger on it because they are a lot alike in many ways. but he's just a genuinely nice guy. i guess im not used to the nice ones, having guys like me back, treating me well, and having good intentions. it scares me. and i dont know what to do...i ur im so used to being hurt, to being let down. i read in a book once (it was a fictional story but still a good book) a character said something along the lines of, "it feels good to be let down" again or something like that. i know the feeling. if you are treated poorly for so long, if something changes and you are treated nicely it's almost like you are waiting for them to mess up and treat you like shit. therefore, making it feel good to once again be let down.

anyways, cutting...here i am, sitting at my desk, writing this blog with my arm exposed and my exacto knife to my left. the blade is also exposed. ive already prepared physically for the cuts, by removing my t-shirt. but i guess im still contemplating whether or not to actually do the deed. ive already pressed the flat side of the blade onto my skin, feeling the coolness of it all. and scrapped around a little bit. and yet the knife is still on my desk, with the blade exposed but not doing anything. yet.

i want to cut but i dont want to have to hide more scars. my arms and legs and now even my hips are starting to become pretty scarred up. and while i find beauty in them, i also find a very deep ugliness to them. maybe ugliness isnt the right word, it doesnt sound right, but i guess i sometimes feel ashamed of them. especially the quantity of them. at the same time, i dont want them to disappear, and even fear the point in time where they will disappear! i wear them like its my story, a life story, on my sleeve. i guess in a weird sort of twisted way i am proud. maybe thats not the right word. but i can imagine one day being proud of them, a reminder of what i have overcome. hopefully i will get to that day. right now ive even given up on hoping to get to there SOON. in the long run, i dont care if its soon or not, but eventually would be nice.

so all these choices...i guess for now they remain unresolved.

was this a let down? a sucky ending to a long blog?

too bad...this is life

suck it up