a plea? idk..its just how i feel

i think i am starting to hate myself more and more as each day passes by. the reasons to just keep piling up. a no good piece of shit. worthless. stupid. foolish. the list goes on and on and on.

even what once made me feel good, pain, doesnt feel as good. because after comes guilt. i feel guilty when i do it. cut.

but i want to cut my whole body. i just want my whole body to sting, to bleed. i want my outside to reflect my inside. and my inside to reflect my inside. i want to break all the bones in my body. to be broken physically AND mentally.

i want to throw myself off a cliff. building. bridge. i want to fly. freedom. i need these aches to go away. but i also need the pain to stay.

i just so desperately want to die. okay. i said it. I WANT TO DIE. and no one should feel pity on me. and i know that if i did die, people would hate me. selfish.

i need to go home now. HOME. to live with the angels. to kiss God.

i just need to be. gone.

urges. to cut my neck. to take a nail and hammer it into my bones. to take a drill to my temple. to get run over.

i guess i just need to feel. i need to feel alive. because i just feel so dead inside. i need to feel physical pain because my mind needs a break, if just for a second.

i just need to be gone.

i need to be gone now.

now.

help me please. i know this is sick. and twisted. but it is how i feel inside.

maybe feeling nothing is better than feeling like this.

make me feel nothing.

this is how i feel.

I haven't written in a while. I've wanted to...and even started a few posts, but something is stopping me.

I feel broken. And I don't just mean defeated. I also mean defective, malfunctioned. Smashed to pieces?

I feel confused. So much has happened this summer, medically, for me. And to tell you the truth, now I dont know which way is up or down, left or right, right or wrong. And it's frightening.

I feel scared. What if I cant handle all of this? What if being on my own, living in a house is too much for me to handle? Or what if school is just too hard? What if I dont find a job, what will I do about money? My mom doesnt want me to even go to school this year. And she says that if this year doesnt go well, then I'm not returning next year. What will happen then? I.S.O.L.A.T.I.O.N.

I feel naked. I've shared some pretty personal things on this blog. But I wanted it that way, I said from the beginning that I wouldnt hold anything back. This was going to be my outlet.

So now, I dont know what to do. I just feel so...discouraged. And lost. And selfish. I am probably the most selfish person I know. So...I guess I'm just warning you, I might not be writing in the near future. I'm scared in what is to come.

I just dont know anything anymore.