here comes the drama?

I have scars all over my body. I have cut on my arms, shoulders, hips, thighs, legs, ankles, hands, waist, even the bottom of my feet. I have bled more than the next person.

And yet.

The places that I want to cut the most are the ones where I cant. I badly crave cutting my neck or throat. Or to cut my cheeks and face. And I so so badly want to cut all up and down my arms. on the uncoverable parts. I want to cut right beneath my collarbone. or X-out where my actual heart is.

I want to cut all the time. I just want to hurt myself. I want to bleed and bleed and bleed. I just want to bleed so much.

Why am I so sad?

Why do I want to bleed

so bad?

I just want to be alone.

leave me alone.

If it were more socially acceptable I would cut on all those places. And I wouldnt hide. And people wouldnt ask questions. And if they did, they wouldnt care. I wouldnt be wearing this long sleeved sweater. And I would be happy in my sadness.

I am so cold. so so cold. It's not going away.

The blood always clots up. Eventually you can stop dabbing with a tissue. It will dry and then flake off in sticky clumps. Eventually they heal. But you never do.

I dont know all the instances I have cut. I dont know why for each time.

But it still hurts.

The cuts always heal. But I still feel so so broken.

Why am I still here?

Last night was the first night in a LONG LONG time where I actually wondered why I was still living. Last night is the first in a long time where I considered ending it. All over again. Last night I wanted to die. Last night it would've been oh so easy.

Why.

Why is it last night? and not THE last night.

Taking the easy way out.

Because I cannot handle reality.

I just cannot handle this

anymore.

There has been a certain amount of times where it just gets too bad. And where I actually want to kill myself. Other times, most times, I just feel depressed. Horribly horribly depressed.

And that's bad enough.

But there are times, instances, where I dont only crave cutting. I crave the end.

Is this melodramatic?

I'm sorry.

Here comes the drama: