giving up for now

I think I might be giving up on this for a while.

My intent for this blog was to write out my feelings at the moment,

to have an open journal.

But recently I found out that sometimes it's just used as a way to

judge.

That makes me extremely sad.

So for now I will keep to myself

or trust my thoughts with my true friends.

grey area

I guess I'm in a "grey area" with Bryce.

We broke up, but we're still sorta together.

I dont know why this is so hard.

I think that we should just be done.

To just call it what it is.

But there's still a small part of me that's hanging on.

All of those things set aside...

I dont know how I feel about my life right now.

I think...

I'm not happy

nor sad.

Perhaps I'm in a "grey area" in my life as well.

I want to be happy.

Someday, I want to be happy.

I'm just not too sure of what to do with my life at this point

where to go.

And I feel so so very misplaced.

Where did all my friends go?

While I have many acquaintances

many "friends"

I dont really feel close to any of them.

And that makes me very very sad.

I feel confused

and lost

but at the same time

I feel..

...nothing.

To Bryce.

It’s hard right now. And it’ll be hard for a little bit but it will slowly start to get better. And the next girl. The girl after me…well I’ll hate her…but she’s going to make you realize that you and I weren’t so good after all. And you can look back at me and smile, knowing that I’m still heartbroken…and you’ll get a tiny bit of satisfaction because you’ve found something better and now you can hurt me instead of me always hurting you. And I will be happy for you, or at least I'll try. And you know as well as I do, that I will kick myself and say that I missed out. I know I have. But it needed to be done. It would’ve just happened anyways. But it wont matter then. Because you will have moved on…and I will still be stuck here. Stuck in the past.

[what I can't say to him]

idk

I dont know what to do.

I feel discouraged by a lot of things right now.

And I dont know what to do.

So for now.

I'm sitting on my bed.

Starring at my computer.

Bleeding from my arm.

I want to go to sleep.

but I cant move.

I cant do anything.

It's bad

When you actually WANT

to go to a mental institution.

When you think it'd be good for you.

It's become a daily thing

where I think about suicide,

in at least ten different ways.

I think about it a lot.

And I almost...

crave it.

It's like a deep deep desire

of mine

to die.

Living to die?

Living to die.

stress

And I feel sick

sick to my stomach

and dizzy in my head

and also

as if something or someone has

taken over my body.

It doesnt feel mine anymore.

Lately I have been so stressed out. About school

Dying relatives

Boy troubles

Kaylee and her cancer

But mostly just school

and Bryce.

It's getting to the point where I physically cannot deal anymore. And it's taking a toll on my body. Vomiting.

Vomiting in random places at random times because the stress has taken over my body and is controlling everything. Who I am. How I react. And so forth.

I cant even tell you how many times I have found myself curled over the toilet, dry heaving and heaving and heaving

and then sometimes I will eventually throw up.

Sometimes there's just nothing there.

And it's not only throwing up. Sometimes I get so s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d that I cant stop shaking...or I cant keep myself from rocking back and forth.

back and forth.

I dont know what this all means. I almost feel how I felt in my insomniac times. And that's not good. [like as if there's a bubble around you, filled with water. moving so slow. hearing so foggy]

I'm just so sick

so so sick

of this place.

Take me home.

here comes the drama?

I have scars all over my body. I have cut on my arms, shoulders, hips, thighs, legs, ankles, hands, waist, even the bottom of my feet. I have bled more than the next person.

And yet.

The places that I want to cut the most are the ones where I cant. I badly crave cutting my neck or throat. Or to cut my cheeks and face. And I so so badly want to cut all up and down my arms. on the uncoverable parts. I want to cut right beneath my collarbone. or X-out where my actual heart is.

I want to cut all the time. I just want to hurt myself. I want to bleed and bleed and bleed. I just want to bleed so much.

Why am I so sad?

Why do I want to bleed

so bad?

I just want to be alone.

leave me alone.

If it were more socially acceptable I would cut on all those places. And I wouldnt hide. And people wouldnt ask questions. And if they did, they wouldnt care. I wouldnt be wearing this long sleeved sweater. And I would be happy in my sadness.

I am so cold. so so cold. It's not going away.

The blood always clots up. Eventually you can stop dabbing with a tissue. It will dry and then flake off in sticky clumps. Eventually they heal. But you never do.

I dont know all the instances I have cut. I dont know why for each time.

But it still hurts.

The cuts always heal. But I still feel so so broken.

Why am I still here?

Last night was the first night in a LONG LONG time where I actually wondered why I was still living. Last night is the first in a long time where I considered ending it. All over again. Last night I wanted to die. Last night it would've been oh so easy.

Why.

Why is it last night? and not THE last night.

Taking the easy way out.

Because I cannot handle reality.

I just cannot handle this

anymore.

There has been a certain amount of times where it just gets too bad. And where I actually want to kill myself. Other times, most times, I just feel depressed. Horribly horribly depressed.

And that's bad enough.

But there are times, instances, where I dont only crave cutting. I crave the end.

Is this melodramatic?

I'm sorry.

Here comes the drama:

addict.

In two years I have cut approximately 365 times. And since the 9th grade, approximately 450 times.

The second one is less accurate because some of the beginning cuts are a little fuzzy....but it's still fairly accurate.

It's just something I do....I count every cut that I make. Each time I do it.

In 2009 I started writing it down with the date and how many times I've cut. And I've been keeping track like that ever since. Before then I had a piece of paper that I would record my cuts on, but no dates were included....and in the very very beginning I used to only record the instance that I cut. Like if in one night, I cut twice...I would list it as ONE. So that's why the numbers are off a little bit.

But in two years I have cut approximately 365 times. That's one cut a day for a year. (Or every other day for 2 years...) When I look at it that way, it doesnt seem that bad. especially considering that for one day, I have cut 102 times. And today I cut myself 33 times.

Cutting is looked as bad, by society. So I guess it's bad that it doesnt phase me anymore. I dont see it as doing something bad anymore. And what's worse is that I ENJOY doing it. I like it. And if I'm 100% honest I dont think that I will be able to quit. I might for a period of time...but I dont think I will actually quit.

I sound like an addict, right?

"What's so wrong with it, if it makes me feel good??"

That's what you hear from a drug addict or maybe an alcoholic.

I dont know what this means.

I know I have a problem.

I just dont want to fix it.