Crave.

You know how sometimes you just have a craving for something. Its on your mind and you just want it soooo bad. Like chocolate. Or potato chips. Or something else like that. I’ve definitely have cravings like that. But right now, it’s similar but different. I crave a knife. A blade striking against my flesh. Blood. Seeing my inside, out. The way my arm feels after I’ve cut a few times. The sting after I slap the cuts, to make them bleed again. The way I can feel my heartbeat EVERYWHERE. Yeah, I miss that. It’s a crazy concept to grasp. And I know I sound crazy when I say all of that. But just think of it like you are craving chocolate. And I mean REALLY craving. And then, multiply that by a hundred. The craving is so intense, I just cant stop thinking about it.

I used to describe it like an itch. On the bottom of your foot. And you have shoes and socks on. And you are driving your car. You know that you shouldn’t itch it, but the itchy feeling is so intense. You wait as long as possible, but finally you just cant take it anymore. You have to rip off your shoes and socks to finally scratch the itch. All better.

I know there is debate on whether or not self harm is an addiction but it truly and honestly feels that way. I am no medical expert, but it feels like I am enslaved by this…habit?

I want to cut so bad right now. And it’s not like I’m super depressed or anything. It doesn’t always happen when I’m depressed (a common misconception). IT’S JUST A CRAVING that I get. It’s driving me crazy. But, I’m trying to be good. I haven’t cut for over a month. But to be completely honest, it’s mostly because of my scars. I have so soooo many scars. And its getting to be a bit ridiculous.

My scars don’t bother me tooo much, until I go out in public. I’m not embarrassed all the time, but I’m scared people will ask me questions (especially adults), and I KNOW people are judging me. It’s inevitable. But I’m kinda scared to lose them. Sometimes, I don’t want to forget.

Ah! Sometimes, my mind just cannot rest. It cannot stop.