sabotage?

So I have a boyfriend...you know this.

And I'm happy with him, I really am! He treats me soo good, SO GOOD.

So why did I hide my tears last night when we were cuddling in the dark?

Why was I crying?

I dont know.

I'm scared of a lot of things. Small things. Irrational fears. Rational fears....I have anxiety, okay?!

And I suppose last night was just one of those nights...

I kept thinking "What happens when it all ends? What will happen when you hurt me, or I hurt you? What happens then??"

And while I was wondering that, I was also wondering why I was wondering it!

My first reaction to situations like this

[boys that like me back]

is to end it.

To cut things off. To stop them before they start.

To sabotage myself.

To make myself hurt.

Sound familiar??

What is it with me and wanting to hurt myself?

It's a pattern that is somewhat constant in my life.

Whether it's physical and in the now, like cutting or hitting myself.

Or long term, like smoking because I know it increases my chances of getting cancer.

Or mental, when I abuse myself but only in my mind.

Or even to break my own heart, because I'm too scared that someone else will do it for me.

It really is sabotage.

I have a good thing.

I have a real good thing right now.

And I dont want to ruin it.

But there's always that voice in the back of my head.

The one that says, "If he really knew you. If he really knew how messed up you were, he would hate you. He would be so disgusted by you. You make him sick."

And I dont even know if I believe it or not. Do I believe the lies? Are they even lies?

The question is, am I really sabotaging myself.

Or.

Am I just protecting myself from getting hurt?

Either way the pain is inevitable.

Someone will get hurt.

And I promise it will be me.