as of lately i have been ridiculously happy. and yes i suppose some of it has to do with ian, but it seems like everything was fitting into place. classes were going good, i was finally getting along with my old friends and also making new friends, everything was fairly good. but now...i have no idea whats going on. i found out that other people have been calling me a slut now. perfect. and to make matters worse it's one of ians friends/housemates. ian told me not to worry about it, and held me when i was crying. it was the sweetest thing. but then that got me thinking, i am so incredibly selfish. i dont deserve anyone who'd do that. remember? i deserve the jerks. the ones that use me and treat me like shit. i havent the slightest why anyone so nice and so good would want someone broken and a "slut" like me.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
why am i still here
Posted by *Melly* at 4:49 PM 0 comments
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Nicole Orsargos
When I talked to friends or family, they always told me “I know how you feel.” Those words used to make me so angry. How did they know? They weren’t in my head, they didn’t find him in this horrible state, they didn’t lose the love of their life. They were able to go home at night. I had to go anywhere but home. I began to get so bummed about that answer to my thoughts, I realized I needed help understanding the emotions I was going through. I started seeing a therapist that helped me learn that everything I was experiencing was “normal.” She told me that only I would know how to push through the sadness and learn how to grow. Sometimes when I went to see her we never even talked about Zeke. We would talk about the most random things - shopping, wine, going to the gym, work and sometimes the news. At one of our meetings she said “I’m not going to let you avoid the subject, we need to talk about him.” It was the first time that I broke down crying in front of anyone. I’m not one that usually feels comfortable crying. I don’t like people to see me that way. I was surprised by my reaction, but I felt so much better. I guess that sometimes when you keep things bottled up, those feelings can come out even stronger than ever. I’m glad that it happened with her; she helped me open up and finally speak about what was going on in my head.
It is coming up on the anniversary of Zeke’s death, and I’m not sure what I will do. I used to hang with friends and take way too many shots of tequila. Probably over the past month, I have realized that I am drinking way too much. I think I drink to hide my pain; I still miss him. Wow, that is the first time I have admitted that. At first I used to sleep with one of his dirty tee shirts so that I could have his scent with me; it helped me a bunch. Then the smell went away. After that I would drink to sleep. The only way I could fall asleep was if I just passed out drunk. It really wasn’t until lately that I thought I had a purpose without him. It has taken me awhile to realize that. Zeke inspired me to be creative. We used to bounce off of each other's artistic abilities. It was so funny when we would be getting ready to go out for an evening and we would be “that couple,” the ones that were dressed alike. I used to tell him he had to back and change. I used to paint, write, build, and design. After his death, I had a hard time even picking up a paint brush, I didn’t know how to hold it in my hand. Now I am slowly learning to keep his spirit in my heart, and create again. I started writing down plans, sketching furniture, and painting pictures. I used to be so on-the-go and not have time for anything, but now I am slowing down and doing things that are more fulfilling in my life. So, I think that this January 5th, I am going to finish my projects I have started. I am building a window seat box out of what used to be our bed, Zeke had built us a platform bed. I will have it filled with his stuff and have a special place for me to sit and think about him, and be inspired. I think I finally have been able to re-focus my energy into how to be happy, how to be me, without him. I probably will stick to one of my rituals, visiting him at 1st street; bringing him a sunflower, and telling him I love him. Then I will go back home and pick up my paint brush......I think I know how again.
- Nicole Orsargos
Posted by *Melly* at 1:55 PM 0 comments
Monday, November 2, 2009
Choices
choices. i take making choices. being forced to choose between one thing or another. why cant i just have both?
Posted by *Melly* at 11:57 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Self Destruction
i dont know why i am so self destructive. i mean the cutting is the more obvious one but others too. i mean i dont smoke often but i will admit to smoking my cheap cigars or cloves on occasion. why do i do this? well i have nothing against smoking but i thought i'd never do it. i thought id never smoke. so why? and i guess a small part is the "glamorization" of it all. but when it comes down to it, i figure that if i cant commit suicide then i will take up smoking and kill myself slowly. its not an instant fix but maybe it will speed up the process a tiny bit. its not only smoking. why do i drink? this one i know can damage the liver and such but i dont drink for the same reasons i smoke. i drink for a couple reasons...its fun and social, its rebelling against the New Life life, its become a college social norm. but what it comes down to is that it is a place where i can escape. for those instants that im drunk i can be funny, fun, attractive what have you. and i can escape from what i truly am. the person that i have been gradually starting to hate over the years. its an escape from myself and in those instances, life is good.
Posted by *Melly* at 11:15 PM 0 comments
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Monday May 25, 2009
Monday May 25, 2009
I don’t know why but it still hurts me when I think about thor. I don’t know why I was so affected by him. But I still get pangs in my chest, and urges to stab myself in the chest. Literally. Im not fucking around when I say that, I have actual, honest to God urges to take an exacto knife and stab myself in the chest. And when I think about thor, it just makes me wanna do it even more. On one hand I am ashamed of my scars, ashamed that I am the way I am, but on the other hand I yearn for it. I want to feel that blade against my skin. I want to see myself bleed. I want to squeeze as much blood out of the cuts as I can. And when they scab over, I want to pick them until they bleed again. I want to pick off the scabs, slowly, watching as it slowly breaks away from my flesh and watch as the blood rises up and kisses the air. I want to feel the pain. The pain when the blade slices my skin. The pain the next few days, cuts still tender. The pain when the scabs are being ripped off, over and over. The pain when I look at the scars and remember what caused them. Well maybe not that last one. But the other ones, I want that. I desperately want to feel the blade of my exacto knife on my skin. I want that so bad. Why? Why do I get so much pleasure out of making myself bleed? Why am I so satisfied after I cut myself? Why? I don’t know why I am the way I am. And I don’t know if I will grow up to be just another normal person, or maybe this shit I’m going through will make me famous? I don’t know if my life will actually make a difference. I don’t even know if my life will be much longer. It saddens me to think that when I grow up I might have a life that is just ordinary. I want all of this shit, this living hell, to eventually make an impact on the world. But at the same time, wouldn’t it be a miracle if I could just achieve normalcy? Yes! But somehow, somehow that’s not good enough. If you were to ask me where I would like to be in ten years I would answer with this; in ten years all I truly want is to be genuinely happy. And while it sounds like a pretty decent answer, even while typing it, it also sounds like the worlds biggest cop out. What are my goals? Really. I don’t know. I want to be alive I guess. But at the same time I wish life could just be over now. Can I see a career? Not really. I can’t see myself actually doing anything for a living. I love art and fashion and music. But I couldn’t picture myself doing anything with them. And I couldn’t see myself in an office either. Can I see a relationship? Maybe, I’m not sure about this one. I think I’m one or two steps away from believing that men plus me doesn’t equal anything. Can I see a family? No. Do I want a family? Yes of course! But I couldn’t bear passing this hell onto an innocent child. It’s a selfish act, and while I do eventually want children, it hurts -hurts so much- to think of the possibility of my child going through what I am going through now. No, that is much too selfish. So you see, the easiest answer to that question is the one I gave because I don’t know what I want and it’s too scary to make perfect goals that I will never achieve. One thing that has been on my mid lately is memoirs. I’ve been toying around with the idea of writing one. I think it would be amazing, beautiful, if I could write a memoir. But it scares me. That is a huge commitment, and if I decide to do it I want to commit to it. I don’t want to write a few pages and then give up on it. I don’t even know if I am capable of writing like that. I have never been able to write a decent story, so I cant imagine writing page after page. But it would be mine. It would be MY memoir. But the thing is, I wouldn’t even know where to start! I wouldn’t know how to write it, or what kind of style to write it in, what kind of voice to tell it through. It’s all so complicated! But I wont give up on the idea just yet, I just need to dwell on it for a while.
Posted by *Melly* at 1:42 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
A Time For Yohe
Posted by *Melly* at 4:24 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
@#%!
You know what really fucking pisses me off?? This whole depression bullshit. I forgot to take my stupid meds today and the whole day just has a glowing afterthought of suckiness. Why in the world do I have to take something to feel even remotely close to a normal human being? It sucks! And even when I do take my pills I still get depressed more than the average person. The whole thing is complete and utter bullshit, and I am pissed off! Some people may say, "well you control your emotions, if you dont want to be depressed you should just stop." What the hell is that? Why would anyone WANT to be depressed? Or at least why would anyone WANT to FEEL depressed? (big difference there). I just dont understand! It's not fair that I need medication (Ive gone through 7 different antidepressants so far) AND therapy (I'm on my second therapist, and I've talked to other counselors too) to make me feel remotely normal. And yet right now I still feel like shit. It's definitely not the first time I've forgotten to take my meds. Sometimes when I dont take them it feels like nothing has changed. Other times, like now, I get really depressed. And some times I act hella weird! Example, I get really jittery, almost like I am jacked up on energy drinks I just cannot stay still. I also say strange things, it's like the words fall out of my mouth with no sensor at all. And I feel lightheaded, like my head is floating. And I always want to twirl around. Ummm yeah being off the meds sucks! Its like you never know what you are going to get! Haha I think it's almost funny. While slightly hilarious, it also sucks balls! I hate that one small little pill can change my entire day.
Posted by *Melly* at 5:56 PM 0 comments
Waiting....
So I probably should be sleeping now, even though its only midnight, but I have to get up somewhat early for work tomorrow. I cant sleep. Anyways, my friends from school are coming to visit me this weekend and I am beyond excited!!!!! Last week was sorta difficult for me, and I really need my friends!!!!!! And one of my friends is having some issues herself, so they need me too (= I just cant wait to see them again and have it be like old times!!! And Gloria also told me it would be good for me if I reconnected with college friends in the summer, soo... added bonus! But anyhow, since last week was so tough and my emotions are pretty much going crazy, its getting really tough not to cut. I havent cut since May 26th and I want to stay cut-free at least until my friends come. I want them to be proud of me and I'd hate for them to feel disappointed or concerned. And let me tell you it was ridiculous last week, you dont even know how many times I just wanted to do it. And this may sound completely depressing, but I am also running out of places. My old scars are already sooo noticeable so I need to stop cutting in such obvious places I guess... Anyways, I meet with Gloria again on Wednesday so maybe I'll ask her what I can do to stop myself. A friend suggested cutting a piece of wood. I think it's brilliant! But unfortunately I havent gotten any wood (thats what she said! haha) but I suppose that is my fault. Nevertheless, the weekend is only a few days away and I am pumped!!!!! We only have the weekend so we are going to try and pack as much stuff in as possible! I will try and keep you posted until then, and definitely after!
Posted by *Melly* at 12:08 AM 0 comments
Sunday, June 14, 2009
just a thought....
So today is GORGEOUS!! Its so nice and sunny out, so I decided to go tanning on my dock. And when it got to be ridiculously hot, I stuck my feet into the water. And just thought about how much I love water! I mean just feeling it over my skin is amazing. I even like washing my hands! Hahaha But anyways it got me thinking of walking on water and what it musta felt like. I cant even imagine how that would feel on your feet.
Posted by *Melly* at 5:16 PM 0 comments
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Dark Blue
Dark blue, dark blue. Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?
Posted by *Melly* at 9:00 PM 0 comments
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Blogs
So, I was...encouraged....by a friend to start up a blog. So, here it is. I have no bloody clue what I am doing but I thought I'd give it a try. I pretty much suck at all punctuation but I am trying, so just to warn you. I've read a few of my friend's blogs and they are really sweet! But they are written so poetically and profound, it sure is intimidating. I just want to be me here, I dont want to try and be a great writer because I'm not. So bring on the cliches, at least it will be real. Try not and judge too hard though, because if I am going to do this I'm going to try and hold nothing back. So another warning, things may get depressing and the language might be harsh. Welcome to my life.
Cheers!
Posted by *Melly* at 11:42 PM 0 comments