ugly.

This weekend I got stood up. Or blown off. Or something along those lines. I was really looking forward to hanging out with this guy, nothing big just chillin. And it kinda surprised me how much it hurt after the fact. I was pissed. But I guess I wasn't...just sad. I feel so ugly. I mean only losers get stood up, right?! I think. I give myself away too easily. I'm not talking about a physical, giving my body away sort of thing. But I care too much. Too quickly. And it's like I set myself up for failure. For heartbreak. But I never learn. Once, not too long ago I wrote this down, "I'm a romantic, but I wish I wasn't. I'd rather end up a reformed cynic than a heartbroken romantic." I wish I found a different word for "romantic" since I used it twice. But I guess I didn't. Anyways I'm pretty sure I believe that. (I say pretty sure because as of late I am not really sure of anything. I rarely have an absolute answer).

Anyways, this guy. He's not the type of person who would do that...so I guess that leaves me. Obviously it's me. What else is new?

I just feel so stupid. ugly. fat.

okay, I know I'm not fat. But I've gained a lot of weight and I feel huge. just so ugly.

I guess people like me dont deserve to be happy.

read this...so true!

Just read this lyrics please. WOW! (theyre not earth shattering greatness or anything, but just true i suppose)

I believe in medication and I believe in therapy
And I believe in crystal light.
Cause I believe in me, yeah.
It's so uplifting, fuck yeah!

I barely have the motivation
They say I suffer from a lack of seratonin synapses
They happen too infrequently for me
To be functioning properly

I took the pills
I took the advice
The panic stopped
But still, I'm not right
Racing thoughts and wasted time
It's the same old story-line
This is my nursery rhyme
And it goes:

I believe in medication and I believe in therapy
And I believe in crystal light.
Cause I believe in me, yeah.
It's so uplifting, fuck yeah!

I'm barely off the medication
And now the walls are closing in again
I can't breathe and I can't bleed
Will you be my alibi?
Tell them that I truly tried
To give in.

Woa-oh, woa-oh.
Ooh, ooh!
Woa-oh, woa-oh.
Ooh, ooh!
Woa-oh, woa-oh.
Ooh, ooh!
Woa-oh, woa-oh.

today in class.

i got so nervous. i'm pretty sure i almost had a panic attack. so i wrote what i felt down. here ya go:

My heart feels like it's about to leap from my chest. My stomach is uneasy and my hands, shaky. I want to cry. I need to throw up. And my head is spinning. Like a balloon, it might detach and float away. Pounding. My heart is pounding. Leap frog, let's play. But I don't want to play. All these people. I need to get out. I need a release. To cut? Maybe. I guess I just need some control. Everyone just settle down. JUST FUCKING SETTLE DOWN. please. Please just stop. I need to get out.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

it was pretty intense. I felt so out of control of my own body. Almost paranoid. And like I could easily burst into tears or throw up. And my heart wouldnt stop racing. I put my hand over my heart, like maybe that would slow it down. something. I tend to do that a lot. Put my hand over my heart, like the Pledge of Allegiance. Sometimes I do it when I'm scared, like today, to just feel it beat so fast. Other times I will do it as a way to reassure that my heart is still beating. I know it is, but something about it just....I dont know, calms me down? I'm not sure but it's a reassurance for sure.

I hate anxiety.

I hate panic attacks.

I suppose that means I hate losing all sense of control?

i dont know.

i dont get it. i just dont get it. here i am, after a great day. a great weekend. and a great week--here i am, crying. just from out of no where. i just get really really sad. depressed. for absolutely no good reason. and the worst part is that i feel so SO SO selfish for it. guilt. people are dying. familys are suffering. people just have REAL reasons to feel depressed. or angry. or sad. or hopeless. i cant even write on here anymore, because i just feel like everyone sees me as a complainer. poor poor sad little melanie. how pathetic. grow up. JUST STOP. there are real problems. just snap out of it.

i wish i could.

it's hard. if it were easy, maybe i wouldnt even have a blog.

but i really cannot handle all of this. i'm questioning all of this right now. all:school, my future, my art, my life etc...

school: should i even be here right now? a month ago my mom voiced that she didnt even want me to return to school. and that i wouldnt be next year if things dont improve. that made me panic, but now i'm not too sure. should i really be here? it might just be a waste of time

my future/my life/my art: will it happen? how long? does it even matter?

i just want it to be over.

everything.

but that's just taking the easy way out, now isnt it?

for the first time in a while, i really have the urge to cut myself. but really. i just cannot take one sad pathetic look from my friends. one more joke about cutting, said right to my face. the shame in hiding it from my mother.

i just want to be alone. but isnt being alone is what i fear most?

i want it, but i fear it? i fear it, but i want it? maybe i fear it, but i need it?

again, i just dont know anything anymore.

everything is driving me crazy.

what will i do if i make it past the age of 25?