today in class.

i got so nervous. i'm pretty sure i almost had a panic attack. so i wrote what i felt down. here ya go:

My heart feels like it's about to leap from my chest. My stomach is uneasy and my hands, shaky. I want to cry. I need to throw up. And my head is spinning. Like a balloon, it might detach and float away. Pounding. My heart is pounding. Leap frog, let's play. But I don't want to play. All these people. I need to get out. I need a release. To cut? Maybe. I guess I just need some control. Everyone just settle down. JUST FUCKING SETTLE DOWN. please. Please just stop. I need to get out.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

it was pretty intense. I felt so out of control of my own body. Almost paranoid. And like I could easily burst into tears or throw up. And my heart wouldnt stop racing. I put my hand over my heart, like maybe that would slow it down. something. I tend to do that a lot. Put my hand over my heart, like the Pledge of Allegiance. Sometimes I do it when I'm scared, like today, to just feel it beat so fast. Other times I will do it as a way to reassure that my heart is still beating. I know it is, but something about it just....I dont know, calms me down? I'm not sure but it's a reassurance for sure.

I hate anxiety.

I hate panic attacks.

I suppose that means I hate losing all sense of control?