i dont know.

i dont get it. i just dont get it. here i am, after a great day. a great weekend. and a great week--here i am, crying. just from out of no where. i just get really really sad. depressed. for absolutely no good reason. and the worst part is that i feel so SO SO selfish for it. guilt. people are dying. familys are suffering. people just have REAL reasons to feel depressed. or angry. or sad. or hopeless. i cant even write on here anymore, because i just feel like everyone sees me as a complainer. poor poor sad little melanie. how pathetic. grow up. JUST STOP. there are real problems. just snap out of it.

i wish i could.

it's hard. if it were easy, maybe i wouldnt even have a blog.

but i really cannot handle all of this. i'm questioning all of this right now. all:school, my future, my art, my life etc...

school: should i even be here right now? a month ago my mom voiced that she didnt even want me to return to school. and that i wouldnt be next year if things dont improve. that made me panic, but now i'm not too sure. should i really be here? it might just be a waste of time

my future/my life/my art: will it happen? how long? does it even matter?

i just want it to be over.

everything.

but that's just taking the easy way out, now isnt it?

for the first time in a while, i really have the urge to cut myself. but really. i just cannot take one sad pathetic look from my friends. one more joke about cutting, said right to my face. the shame in hiding it from my mother.

i just want to be alone. but isnt being alone is what i fear most?

i want it, but i fear it? i fear it, but i want it? maybe i fear it, but i need it?

again, i just dont know anything anymore.

everything is driving me crazy.