defeat? or success?

Today, along with my mother and father I went to get my test conclusions. I did a series of tests at a psychologist office to see if I have ADD or some other learning disability. Today was the evaluation. It was interesting. The conclusion is no learning disabilities! But a tad bit of attention problems and definitely memory issues. And a hell of a lot of anxiety with a side of depression. Hmm. I’ve always thought of it the other way around. I always thought I was depressed, with a bit of anxiety. However, the more and more we talked, my anxiety became even more obvious. Its funny how a series of events throughout my LIFETIME could all point to one thing. Seemingly unrelated events, at that. But things are definitely starting to make some sense. Anyways, I’m not exactly sure how to take all of this. The whole attention/memory/learning disability thing is one thing. And then the anxiety/depression is another. But I suppose they both lead to one thing…medication. I have a love/hate relationship with medications. I’ve taken a bunch for my depression. And that did a whole lot of NOTHING in the long run. I’m hopeful and skeptical at the same time. I mean, after dealing with medication after medication (7 or 8 antidepressants..) I cant help but feel broken. At the same time, if there’s a medication that will help my attention, which may in turn help my memory, which subsequently helps my grades…then I suppose I’m willing to give it a try. It’s complicated. I hate the whole guess and check situation with some medications. With antidepressants the doctor doesn’t know which specific one will help, so they pick one and see if it does. If it doesn’t, they move on to the next. It’s a very exhausting process. This is why I’m tentative.

I suppose my parents see success in all this, but
I feel so defeated.

fear.

I’m scared of a lot of things. And I don’t know what my biggest fear is. There are much too many. But one thing that absolutely terrifies me is this. I’m scared that one day, I will have a family, kids. I will have these beautiful children, and I will pass this ugly disease to them. The thought makes me want to throw up, and makes me hate myself a little more. Eventually I want to have children. But I am scared to. What if they are as miserable as I am? It makes my mind hurt, what if I have them anyways?

How selfish would that be?

Crave.

You know how sometimes you just have a craving for something. Its on your mind and you just want it soooo bad. Like chocolate. Or potato chips. Or something else like that. I’ve definitely have cravings like that. But right now, it’s similar but different. I crave a knife. A blade striking against my flesh. Blood. Seeing my inside, out. The way my arm feels after I’ve cut a few times. The sting after I slap the cuts, to make them bleed again. The way I can feel my heartbeat EVERYWHERE. Yeah, I miss that. It’s a crazy concept to grasp. And I know I sound crazy when I say all of that. But just think of it like you are craving chocolate. And I mean REALLY craving. And then, multiply that by a hundred. The craving is so intense, I just cant stop thinking about it.

I used to describe it like an itch. On the bottom of your foot. And you have shoes and socks on. And you are driving your car. You know that you shouldn’t itch it, but the itchy feeling is so intense. You wait as long as possible, but finally you just cant take it anymore. You have to rip off your shoes and socks to finally scratch the itch. All better.

I know there is debate on whether or not self harm is an addiction but it truly and honestly feels that way. I am no medical expert, but it feels like I am enslaved by this…habit?

I want to cut so bad right now. And it’s not like I’m super depressed or anything. It doesn’t always happen when I’m depressed (a common misconception). IT’S JUST A CRAVING that I get. It’s driving me crazy. But, I’m trying to be good. I haven’t cut for over a month. But to be completely honest, it’s mostly because of my scars. I have so soooo many scars. And its getting to be a bit ridiculous.

My scars don’t bother me tooo much, until I go out in public. I’m not embarrassed all the time, but I’m scared people will ask me questions (especially adults), and I KNOW people are judging me. It’s inevitable. But I’m kinda scared to lose them. Sometimes, I don’t want to forget.

Ah! Sometimes, my mind just cannot rest. It cannot stop.

bleak thoughts.

I wrote this June 3rd 2010. But idk...thought I'd post it now... whatevs

My left leg hurts.

Today I cut myself. 5 times on my left leg.

I think they were pretty deep.

They were still bleeding slightly, hours later.

And they hurt like hell right now.

I got a speeding ticket today.

And for some reason, I couldn’t stop crying afterwards.

I had to relieve the pain.

Luckily I had my exacto in my purse.

And just like that, I was cutting again.

It was almost a month.

Almost a month without self inflicted physical harm.

And the last time, wasn’t even a cut.

It was just my finger tracing a line on my arm.

A nervous habit?

No. I needed the pain.

I could feel the wetness as I was scrapping, and I kept digging

Harder and faster.

It's almost healed now.

Today I got a speeding ticket.

And I cut my left leg 5 times.

I spent the rest of the trip in silence.

Except for the harsh sounds of my open fist

Slapping my face as hard as I could.

Over and over.

Sometimes I do that.

I hit myself because sometimes the cutting

Just isn’t enough.

Nothing is ever enough.

And by nothing, I mean everything.

The cutting is not enough.

The hitting is not enough.

I am not enough.

I’m really light headed

All day today really.

And my eyelids are heavy.

And my limbs are heavy.

I feel like I am sleepwalking.

I always feel like I'm sleepwalking.

Just put me out of my misery.

Please just put me out of my misery.

It hurts.

Everything hurts.

So please.

Just put me out of my goddamn misery.

marionette.

How can one single person make one feel so incredibly happy one moment, and then devastatingly sad the next?

I hate how the people you love the most (or even the guys you like etc.) can hurt you the worst. I was having a conversation with a friend, and they said that (well without the parenthesis). Funny thing is that I’ve thought that exact thought so so so many times. Although this person was talking about love. And in my life, it has more just been about silly boys.

But anyways, I hate it. How can a boy, a boy that may not mean anything in the span of my life, have that much control over my emotions? Although I will say, I overanalyze like crazy. I pick apart every little thing. Every text, every lack of text, what people say, how they say it etc. And every little detail is illuminated. Something that normal people see as miniscule, or don’t even see at all can be ten feet high for me.

It’s not like I want this to happen. I want to be happy. I fake being happy sometimes, thinking maybe if I fake it for a while it will become real. And sometimes it works. Well I suppose most times it works. That is, until I’m alone again. Late at night. In my bedroom. In my car. When everyone has gone home, or when everyone’s sleeping, it’s then when how I really feel comes to the surface. I hate this feeling. I hate it and I cannot for the life of me escape it.

When is this ever going to end?

home?

There's nothing quite like being home, that makes one feel so alone.

Why is that? I definitely dont have those warm fluffy "home" feelings right now, now that I am home for the summer. If anything, it makes me come to the realization that I am more alone than ever. I look forward to going shopping with a friend or grabbing coffee like I'm seven and it's a day before Christmas. It's sad really. People look forward to summer, college students, high school, elementary! And I do too. Until the second day. Then, it's just sad. Am I bored already? Or do I just miss being constantly surrounded by people. How can I feel this alone now, and this alone when there's people all around me? I guess the grass is always greener on the other side, but come on....this is just ridiculous. And how can a college campus feel more like home to me than my ACTUAL home? I'm scared. But I dont know what exactly I'm scared of? (and that also scares me) Am I scared of living? Am I scared of dying? Maybe a little of both? I'm starting to think that the latter is keeping me alive. And the first, is making me deader each day.

"You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive"

My favorite line in fun.'s Be Calm. Because it's how I feel, often. Most often than not I feel dead inside. That the only reason I am still alive, still going through the actions, is because my organs are keeping me this way. I try and act happy. To act like a normal human being. And most of the time I think I do a pretty good job at fooling most everyone. Except it gets harder at home. I dont try and fake it around my family. Because all they seem to do is piss me off. But even them, I guess I do still hide it. They have no clue what's really going on inside. No body does. And this is the closest glimpse anyone will ever get to knowing how I really feel. Unless of course they find my journals on my computer.... Anyways, I guess I feel so alone, so...depressed? so hopeless. But at the same time, I don't want people to find out. I WANT to be happy, bubbly Melanie. I dont want to be dark and twisted Melanie. Who wants to be friends with someone like this?

I'm babbling. I could go on and on about the whole friends thing...but I will spare you. I guess how I really feel now is just alone. Alone in this big house. So separated from people I used to call my friends. Would we still be friends if I lived closer? Who knows? All I know, is that summer isn't all it's cracked up to be.

and

I hate feeling this way.

random nonsense?

I haven’t taken my medication in probably a week…maybe a little more. I don’t know why I stopped. And I don’t know if the stop has made a difference. I feel weird though. Like I feel like crying sometimes. Right now, it’s just random. But even watching tv shows or movies, there will be a sad part or not even sad part and I will just feel like crying. Like an overwhelming sense of emotions are inside of me. And another thing. I wrote this on Monday. It’s just easier to copy it down word for word, so here ya go.

Something is not right. But I don’t know what’s wrong. Today in graphic design I got the most agonizing pain in the wrist of my right arm. It was the exact definition of searing. Like a bolt of lightning entered into my wrist and through my arm. It made me stop what I was doing and grasp my wrist with my other hand for several seconds, until the pain finally subsided. And now, probably 45 minutes later my chest has this aching feeling in it. It’s not quite as sharp—actually it might be bordering on dull, pulsating pain, digging into my chest.

Something is not right.
Obviously.
What ‘what?’ is the question.

Or is this all in my head?

It’s not the first time I’ve had that excruciating pain in my wrist. Sometimes it starts in my heart, goes to my right shoulder and travels down to my wrist. It hurts like hell. It’s hard to describe but I guess it feels like lightning. Not that I know what lightning feels like, but it feels like how I imagine lightning to feel like. Sometimes I get it in my chest. The lightning feel. Like someone is stabbing a bolt of lightning straight through my heart. I don’t think I get it anywhere else. Just in my right wrist, my heart area, and then when it travels to my wrist. I don’t know why I get it, and I don’t know when I get it. It’s just so odd.

I feel tired. Like I am extra tired this week for some reason. Even when I get enough sleep. Although, when is it really enough? I guess there’s a small part of an insomniac inside of me somewhere. But it’s usually the worst in the summer, or when I'm at home. Once I remember staying up until 8 in the morning. It’s a strange feeling just sitting at the foot of your bed, doing nothing. Not really thinking about anything in particular but just starring into space. Anyways, I just feel like I’m sleepwalking when I’m awake.

I was gonna write more…but I’m sleepy haha more later maybe…