followers

hmm so it's 1:29 am and I leave for New York tomorrow. I am excited and worried all at the same time. But I dont want to talk about that.

Recently, I've noticed that I have more "followers" haha, that scares me and makes me smile all at once! It's cool that I have followers on this blog, because for so long I didnt, and just felt like I was writing in my journal. (which is kinda what I do anyways for these blog posts) But I kinda liked it, like people could come across it by chance if they wanted but I wasnt going to advertise my life to everyone. (Example. I am only currently following 2 people).

Anyways, now I feel naked. Because in this, I try to not hold anything back. I talk about my personal life, I swear, and I talk about my deepest darkest secrets. And now, all of a sudden there's people reading what I write. I'm not bothered by it, if I were I would just delete my blog. But it does make me feel all exposed and out there. I guess a part of me is glad, because this way it lets people know what I am really feeling. I try my best to explain my depression and how I feel in these posts. I know that for people who dont have depression or people who dont injure themselves have a hard time understanding WHY. And that's totally legit. Soo it kinda is good that all of a sudden people are reading this, because maybe it gives them a small glimpse into my life.

I guess I feel bad as well, however. It seems like all my friends write all philosophical like, or they give write poetically about their walk with God, and religion and what it proposes, all of these different incites on life and such. And then there's me, the sad little depressed girl whose complaining all the time about how bad her life sucks, when really she has it pretty damn good.

Whatever. I dont care. It sometimes helps me to relax.

I'm going to do it anyways.

:D (insert big dorky smile here!)

(ending time, 1:39)

Sleepwalking

I don’t know what's wrong with myself. I feel depressed sometimes. I feel over joyed with happiness sometimes. And sometimes I feel both and just end up feeling nothing. Or something that resembles nothing. I mean it can’t be just nothing. But I feel incredibly odd right now. Confused I guess. Earlier I felt so happy. And then I felt a little down. And now…confused. I just feel odd. Oh so odd. Haha that’s funny. But seriously, right now I’m just sitting here, in a sort of cloudy confusion because I don’t know what this feeling is. It sorta feels like I’m sleepwalking. In a zombie like state. My eyes are “glazed” over with a questioning expression on my face. Like everything is brand new. But I don’t see sunshine. I just see a blur of things. Like one of those slow motion, blurry video sequences of someone whose about to faint. Or maybe its like I’m drowning. Just right now, in this moment, I feel like it’s not me who’s living. Like I am watching myself.

Now that I have written that down…it reminds me of something. I’ve felt this way before. When I was unknowingly overdosing on antidepressants and having trippy side effects. Like hallucinations. But I don’t see how that could be happening now…since I am only taking 5 MGs of my medication…which is an incredibly small dosage.

I guess I’m just confused. Especially as to why I am feeling this way. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with myself because earlier I was feeling fucking fantastic. But it seems like it came to a sudden stop, and I feel very alone. It’s not quite a depressed feeling. And I don’t know if it’s worse or better?

Laughing Just to Laugh

Question. Do you ever feel like laughing just to laugh? When smiling just isn’t enough, but nothings really funny?

It doesn’t happen to me very often but it has happened enough to where I’ve noticed it. Where I just feel like laughing.

People, my friends, look at me strangely and wonder why I am laughing. No reason. I just feel like giggling. I guess it is a strange little phenomenon, but I don’t think it should be considered as weird. It should really be welcomed. But, so should many of the strange things I have urges to do. And sometimes I just do them. Why shouldn’t I? Its something I wonder…why do people hold back? If I want to twirl in the hallways, why cant I? And I do! Haha but I guess I'm getting off topic. Soo here I am, sitting in class trying not to burst out laughing because now that would just be rude! But right now I feel like laughing just to laugh.

a new leaf??

Sooo it’s been a while since I’ve last written…and I must say that my mood has definitely improved. Which it always does. I mean I have my good periods of time and then my horrid ones. And I have to admit that it helps having a certain “distraction” to get my mind out of the bad. Yes it is a guy, and we’ve been talking for a while now. And I think its good. But I cant help but wonder if I’m one of those girls who needs a guy to feel good. That kind of disgusts me. I don’t want to have my emotions being controlled by someone else. But for now, I’m just happy to be happier.

Anyways, its also interesting the secrets that come out about your significant other after breaking up. my friends now tell me the things that annoyed them, and that they thought he was a creep. I don’t quite know how to feel about that. I mean I don’t think he’s a creep. Just shy and awkward and misunderstood. But still, my feelings toward him went from being completely infatuated to really really sad to being incredibly pissed off. And now, im not sure how I feel about him. But I surely don’t miss him nearly as much as I did at first. And I cant imagine ever going back to things being normal with him. Friends? Maybe but I don’t know probably not. Civil is more like it. The whole situation, on both parts-his and mine, seem very incredible childish.

Anyways, now I have something to take my mind off of him. And I really think I like this new guy. He doesn’t go to Eau Claire so it’s a refreshing new thing….something to keep my mind off of my troubles but to also keep me out of getting into trouble with other guys. For now we are just talking and I like it because I feel like that is what was really what was lacking in my other relationship. (not to mention that he is adorable and is definitely what my friends from back home would consider to be “my type”). You know…flannel wearing, guitar playing, plaid loving sort of guy who I just want to hold hands with! Is this weird to be telling in a blog?? Yeah a bit perhaps. I guess the main thing is, is that I am finally starting to be happy again. FINALLY. Its about damn time. Its been 8 days since I last cut myself. Its not much, but that month of cutting was sure exhausting so it does seem like a lot right now!

For now, I guess I’ll just see where things go with this whole thing. I really hope it turns out well! I mean I have to get over Ian eventually, and even though it seems really soon it doesn’t seem like a rebound…it just seems exciting!!

Peace, love, and bacon!!

2.28.10

Why am I feeling like this right now? All I feel like doing is sleeping, and just waiting for the next time I am going to hurt myself. Just waiting for time to pass. Things get better in time right? so for now im just waiting to get to when its alright and when I don’t feel like shit anymore. When I don’t feel like all im doing is waiting til the next time I get to cut myself. this is going to sound ridiculously strange, but when i started this blog i said i would be real and not hold back. but anyways back to the ridiculous...it feels good. it feels good to hurt myself again. for the months that i was still with Ian i had only cut myself 3 times. and since our breakup...a little over a week ago that number has multiplied to almost 5 times that. its scary...but it feels nice.

hi.

matthew pautsch, you are a beautiful writer. :)

just thought you should know

Thursday February 25 2010

It’s a weird feeling when you cut yourself. Tonight I cut myself twice, deep. In the bathroom. Then I cut myself twice more sitting on my bed. They weren’t as deep. The first two--They made my arm feel heavy and numb….but it didn’t really hurt. Not too much anyways. The pain was in the first initial cut. And then my arm just felt strange. And now, after the next two cuts, I guess it hurt a bit more than the first two…but still its not excruciating or anything. Now the pain is just there, maybe like a mosquito bite or a paper cut. It hurts in that area but I guess its more annoying than anything. The rest of my arm feels like an ache. Like someone hit it or something?? It still feels heavy. I guess it kinda feels like one arm is sitting lower than the other. Right now, the worst part is the dissatisfaction of the whole ordeal. I still want to cut. I want to cut until I feel real. I want to cut until the blood stops flowing. That’s the problem you know, the blood eventually stops coming out. I want to cut myself all over sometimes. It’s frustrating this thing. It really is. Sometimes I just have strange urges to harm myself. And theyre weird too. Like whoever may be reading this, get ready because you are going to think I’m clearly nuts. One time I remember having the strange desire to slice my tongue open. And other times I feel the urge to take a drill to my temple and just start drilling away. Other times, I feel like heating up a fork over the stove and then hitting myself with it as hard as I can. There’s more too. Like once I felt the urge to take a dull spoon and start scooping away at my flesh until I reached organs. They go on. Tons of strange strange urges that I get to harm myself, rather than the normal cutting. Anyways, it’s not always dissatisfactory. Sometimes I feel like I’m clearly going insane….and I’m talking about mental institution kind of insane involving white rooms and padded walls, but then when I finally give into the cutting I feel incredibly calm. Like nothing was ever wrong, and I can finally breathe again. It’s a strange ordeal. Right now I guess I feel slightly satisfactory. I like feeling the constant dull pain on my upper arm/shoulder, it actually makes me smile for a bit. But at the same time, I do feel unsatisfied…like I could cut a few more times and that would be better. Sometimes after I cut myself, I slap myself on wherever I cut as hard as I can…sometimes it makes it bleed again and I like it.

I cant explain why I’m like this. Why I need this pain. Why I always end up resorting to this. People may judge. No, I guess people will judge—its inevitable. But they don’t know me. And I honestly don’t think I can change anymore. Do I think I will get better? Maybe. Do I think I will stop cutting or causing self harm? Probably not. I’ve tried so many times to just stop it. To get better. To just stop being depressed. And I cant. I’ve gone to psychologists, counselors, doctors, and psychotherapists. And I’ve taken medication after medication. I’ve tried to channel my energy into something productive. I’ve tried other ways of feeling the zing of pain. And sure it helps for a while….but eventually this is where I end up. I always end up hurt and with blood flowing out of my arm. My shoulder. My hip. My leg. Hell, even the bottom of my foot.

And I have to say, I guess I can always depend on it. My knife and I.

Is that all I’ll ever be?

"Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

I hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame"