Nicole Orsargos

TWLOHA's posted this. Yes, it is very long but it proposed some interesting things that I hadn't thought about. The "other side of the story." You (whomever is reading this, if anyone) dont have to read it, but I thought it was beautiful

I guess some would say that I have been through a tragedy. I say that I've been through a life-changing experience and that it has made me a better person. I don’t like that T word - it's pretty harsh. When Zeke died, I thought my life had ended. In some ways it had. I went through a whirlwind of emotions, some that I can’t even remember. I had so many questions; What did I do wrong? What was he thinking? why did he leave me? Someone once told me that people that complete suicide are selfish - I’m not sure I agree. Once someone is gone, it is easy to contemplate what they were thinking, and only think about the mess they left you with, and the struggles ahead. But isn’t that selfish? I mean this person just took their own life - I can’t imagine how they came to that conclusion, but I can only believe and hope it was not an easy one. I quickly learned that I was the selfish one......I was so obsessed with why he chose to do this to me, but soon realized that he did this to himself; it was not about me. That is hard to accept.

When I talked to friends or family, they always told me “I know how you feel.” Those words used to make me so angry. How did they know? They weren’t in my head, they didn’t find him in this horrible state, they didn’t lose the love of their life. They were able to go home at night. I had to go anywhere but home. I began to get so bummed about that answer to my thoughts, I realized I needed help understanding the emotions I was going through. I started seeing a therapist that helped me learn that everything I was experiencing was “normal.” She told me that only I would know how to push through the sadness and learn how to grow. Sometimes when I went to see her we never even talked about Zeke. We would talk about the most random things - shopping, wine, going to the gym, work and sometimes the news. At one of our meetings she said “I’m not going to let you avoid the subject, we need to talk about him.” It was the first time that I broke down crying in front of anyone. I’m not one that usually feels comfortable crying. I don’t like people to see me that way. I was surprised by my reaction, but I felt so much better. I guess that sometimes when you keep things bottled up, those feelings can come out even stronger than ever. I’m glad that it happened with her; she helped me open up and finally speak about what was going on in my head.

It is coming up on the anniversary of Zeke’s death, and I’m not sure what I will do. I used to hang with friends and take way too many shots of tequila. Probably over the past month, I have realized that I am drinking way too much. I think I drink to hide my pain; I still miss him. Wow, that is the first time I have admitted that. At first I used to sleep with one of his dirty tee shirts so that I could have his scent with me; it helped me a bunch. Then the smell went away. After that I would drink to sleep. The only way I could fall asleep was if I just passed out drunk. It really wasn’t until lately that I thought I had a purpose without him. It has taken me awhile to realize that. Zeke inspired me to be creative. We used to bounce off of each other's artistic abilities. It was so funny when we would be getting ready to go out for an evening and we would be “that couple,” the ones that were dressed alike. I used to tell him he had to back and change. I used to paint, write, build, and design. After his death, I had a hard time even picking up a paint brush, I didn’t know how to hold it in my hand. Now I am slowly learning to keep his spirit in my heart, and create again. I started writing down plans, sketching furniture, and painting pictures. I used to be so on-the-go and not have time for anything, but now I am slowing down and doing things that are more fulfilling in my life. So, I think that this January 5th, I am going to finish my projects I have started. I am building a window seat box out of what used to be our bed, Zeke had built us a platform bed. I will have it filled with his stuff and have a special place for me to sit and think about him, and be inspired. I think I finally have been able to re-focus my energy into how to be happy, how to be me, without him. I probably will stick to one of my rituals, visiting him at 1st street; bringing him a sunflower, and telling him I love him. Then I will go back home and pick up my paint brush......I think I know how again.

- Nicole Orsargos

Choices

choices. i take making choices. being forced to choose between one thing or another. why cant i just have both?

two things regarding choices sparked my attention now. cutting and boys. seemingly unrelated, but youre wrong. the two almost go hand in hand. anyways, i guess i'll start with boys. i kinda like two of them at the moment, and i guess im being forced to choose one. its messy and i dont like it. i feel extremely happy when im with both of them. theyre both cute, but not drop dead gorgeously sexy like the kind of guys i oogle over with my friends. (oogle is kind of a disgusting word. yep, pretty sure i dont like it...) theyre also both a little geeky. but i like it. :) but one is just so different from the other. i cant quite put my finger on it because they are a lot alike in many ways. but he's just a genuinely nice guy. i guess im not used to the nice ones, having guys like me back, treating me well, and having good intentions. it scares me. and i dont know what to do...i ur im so used to being hurt, to being let down. i read in a book once (it was a fictional story but still a good book) a character said something along the lines of, "it feels good to be let down" again or something like that. i know the feeling. if you are treated poorly for so long, if something changes and you are treated nicely it's almost like you are waiting for them to mess up and treat you like shit. therefore, making it feel good to once again be let down.

anyways, cutting...here i am, sitting at my desk, writing this blog with my arm exposed and my exacto knife to my left. the blade is also exposed. ive already prepared physically for the cuts, by removing my t-shirt. but i guess im still contemplating whether or not to actually do the deed. ive already pressed the flat side of the blade onto my skin, feeling the coolness of it all. and scrapped around a little bit. and yet the knife is still on my desk, with the blade exposed but not doing anything. yet.

i want to cut but i dont want to have to hide more scars. my arms and legs and now even my hips are starting to become pretty scarred up. and while i find beauty in them, i also find a very deep ugliness to them. maybe ugliness isnt the right word, it doesnt sound right, but i guess i sometimes feel ashamed of them. especially the quantity of them. at the same time, i dont want them to disappear, and even fear the point in time where they will disappear! i wear them like its my story, a life story, on my sleeve. i guess in a weird sort of twisted way i am proud. maybe thats not the right word. but i can imagine one day being proud of them, a reminder of what i have overcome. hopefully i will get to that day. right now ive even given up on hoping to get to there SOON. in the long run, i dont care if its soon or not, but eventually would be nice.

so all these choices...i guess for now they remain unresolved.

was this a let down? a sucky ending to a long blog?

too bad...this is life

suck it up