want to fly.

Last week a kid at my school spent a good part of his night hanging off of his 10th floor window. He was going to let go.

I got a text from a friend, telling me this. I was shocked. SHOCKED! This type of thing just doesnt happen in Eau Claire...you would think.

Anyways, I got the text right as I got in my car. I was driving to my night class. And on the short 2 minute drive I started crying. Just crying. And I said out loud,

"Wait, wait for me. Please just wait for me. We can do this together. I know we can. Let's jump and never look back. I want to fly."

I got to class and it's all I could really think about, and the gossip had already spread and people were already talking.

"How could life be so bad that you would want to jump from a 10 floor building?"

People just dont understand. It may not "get that bad" but we don't know that. To us, things are magnified and all rationales are pushed out. You simply cannot think straight. And sometimes, you feel crazy. You literally, feel crazy.

I remember one summer night, when I felt that feeling. Like I truly was insane. I was sobbing uncontrollably. My hair was a mess because I kept pulling it. And I was sitting in a corner of my room, behind the door, rocking back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth. Pulling my hair and sobbing.

That was the night when I almost drank bleach.

It's terrifying really. It makes my head hurt. And my heart drop. I look back now and know that whatever was the cause to make me get to that state was probably nothing. And I looked back the day after, knowing that it was probably nothing to have that reaction over. After it has passed, then I can think somewhat straight.

But in that moment. I become a completely different person. It's like I'm on drugs or something. A horrible trip. But I've never tried drugs in my life. And maybe that's why I wont. Things could go horribly wrong.

But now I'm just getting off topic.

So. In the end, they were able to talk the guy out of jumping. And I'm grateful that no one got hurt. But still. For myself.

I still want to fly.

inside my mind??? if just for a while.

i dont know what i'm doing here. i really dont. i am getting more and more depressed as each day goes on and passes by. and i cant think. i cannot think of the last time i was truly and genuinely happy. i cant remember feeling warm, body and soul. i cant do this. i cant do this. i cant do this.

sometimes my head feels like it's going to explode. that's cliche sounding, but the pressure in my head keeps building up and pushing outward and i really feel like at any moment....boom.

what am i doing? why am i even at school? what do i want to do with my life?

i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i just dont know. i suppose i am here to graduate, to get a degree. but why? i think all i want to do is make art. and possibly make a difference. i dont know. but anyways, if all i want to do is make art, why am i here? i think about dropping out a lot these days. i just cannot handle the stress. i cannot handle all of the pressure. i cannot handle my classes.

i'm almost positive that i am failing all three of my GE's. If i fail...i will have to retake them, and honestly that is just not an option. I am suffering in 2 out of 3 of my GE's. only one i find interesting, and even in that class i cant get above a 60% on the tests and quizzes.

but do i want to go back home? i dont know. maybe for a little. but not for long. i can just see myself, getting a place of my own. and not leaving. until there is nothing there at all. quietly passing on to a better place. a new place.

it seems like all my thoughts are morbid now. sometimes there will be a bit of happiness, when i am with friends. but it's only a matter of time before the demons come back.

i just want to sleep. i want to sleep, and do art i suppose. i have really tried to throw myself into my artwork this semester. but it seems the more i care, the more i get disappointed.

i still believe in God. i know many, if not all, of my friends from back home think i have turned my back to Him. i suppose in a way i have. but i still believe what i was taught, and my love for Him may have even gotten stronger. i dont blame Him, as many might for the way i almost constantly feel. depressed. anxious. scared. in fact, i love Him more because i cannot even fathom someone loving myself, me, unconditionally the way He does. it boggles my mind. i am not a perfect image of what a Christ follower should be, not anywhere near perfect. but i still know what i believe. and i can see an outward perspective on my life and the things i should be doing, or the things certain people would say to me. i know. but somehow, i still believe the lies satan feeds me about my self worth, body image, and life. it's sad. so why do i still believe it? i can see the way out but somehow i just cannot get there. and i refuse to claim to be a christian if my actions dont follow. because if going to a Christian school taught me anything, it taught me about judgement. i refuse to be a poser. some of my closest friends in high school are the ones that judge me the most. and the worst part about it is that they try and cover it up with Christ. and it sickens me.

so. i know. i know how people see me. and i know the truth over these stupid lies. but the bridge between me today and the ideal me, just cannot be seen.

so where does that leave me now?

i know the easy way out would be just to kill myself and get it over with. but. there still is a tiny fraction of me who believes i can change. i cant see how. and i cant see when. but there is a small glimmer of hope.

i just pray that in the process, i will feel alive, and not more dead by the second. because i truly feel like the living dead. i am going through the motions, but internally the fire has gone out.

i need help. i know i do. but i do not know if i can take it again. more counselors. more therapy. more medicine. getting the parents involved. getting my friends involved. actively trying to re-train my thinking. i dont know if i can handle it again. another time. it scares me.

i just need to go away. to sleep. to hibernate. i need to go away now.

jealous.

my roommate from last year, (and also next year) has leukemia.

all this happened so fast. and while i am sad for her.

is it bad that i am also insanely jealous?

cancer.

it's a scary word. although leukemia is fairly treatable. it's still scary.

it's like some sort of poison.

i just want all of this to end.