There's nothing quite like being home, that makes one feel so alone.
Why is that? I definitely dont have those warm fluffy "home" feelings right now, now that I am home for the summer. If anything, it makes me come to the realization that I am more alone than ever. I look forward to going shopping with a friend or grabbing coffee like I'm seven and it's a day before Christmas. It's sad really. People look forward to summer, college students, high school, elementary! And I do too. Until the second day. Then, it's just sad. Am I bored already? Or do I just miss being constantly surrounded by people. How can I feel this alone now, and this alone when there's people all around me? I guess the grass is always greener on the other side, but come on....this is just ridiculous. And how can a college campus feel more like home to me than my ACTUAL home? I'm scared. But I dont know what exactly I'm scared of? (and that also scares me) Am I scared of living? Am I scared of dying? Maybe a little of both? I'm starting to think that the latter is keeping me alive. And the first, is making me deader each day.
"You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive"
My favorite line in fun.'s Be Calm. Because it's how I feel, often. Most often than not I feel dead inside. That the only reason I am still alive, still going through the actions, is because my organs are keeping me this way. I try and act happy. To act like a normal human being. And most of the time I think I do a pretty good job at fooling most everyone. Except it gets harder at home. I dont try and fake it around my family. Because all they seem to do is piss me off. But even them, I guess I do still hide it. They have no clue what's really going on inside. No body does. And this is the closest glimpse anyone will ever get to knowing how I really feel. Unless of course they find my journals on my computer.... Anyways, I guess I feel so alone, so...depressed? so hopeless. But at the same time, I don't want people to find out. I WANT to be happy, bubbly Melanie. I dont want to be dark and twisted Melanie. Who wants to be friends with someone like this?
I'm babbling. I could go on and on about the whole friends thing...but I will spare you. I guess how I really feel now is just alone. Alone in this big house. So separated from people I used to call my friends. Would we still be friends if I lived closer? Who knows? All I know, is that summer isn't all it's cracked up to be.
and
I hate feeling this way.
