cut me off.

I just feel so defeated.

By everything.

I dont really belong to anyone.

And no one really belongs to me.

Unattached.

It's not a good feeling.

I have cut a lot this week.

I have been "good" for a long time.

But I caved. I caved in, when I said I wouldnt.

Earlier this week I cut myself 10 times.

Five lines on each legs.

I couldnt sleep without them rubbing on my pajamas.

It hurt to put on pants.

Then one day, it just stopped hurting as much.

So I did it again.

2 more on each leg.

It felt good. And it hurts a lot.

But it's still not enough.

I need this pain

and I need it to be constant.

I dont know why.

But it makes my head hurt.

I can feel the tension in my neck

and down into my shoulders.

I want so badly to cut my legs

and arms.

But I have too many scars.

And people will start asking questions.

Why.

why.

why.

why.

Why do I have the urge to kill myself?

It is so strong. SO STRONG.

It makes me want to cry.

And sometimes I do.

But I cant let it go.

I need this.

I really think I need this.

all i want to do.

all i want to do is read depressing poetry.

listen to sad songs.

and sleep.

until there is nothing left.

what is wrong?

I should be really happy right now.

Really really happy.

But then why cant I stop crying?

I want to hurt myself.

But I wont.

I think the guy I like, likes me back.

He gives me crazy butterflies in my stomach.

And every time I talk to him my heart starts beating

really fast.

And the smile on my face just wont go away.

I should be really happy.

I have great friends.

And a wonderful family.

And a lot of people that care about me.

I dont understand.

I dont understand why I am still so...depressed.

I shouldnt be.

I dont want to be.

And I am really happy. But I'm also not.

It's so confusing.

I feel happy sometimes, but it's only a surface feeling.

And then when I'm all alone.

Or if I get a moment to think

Every thing floods my vision,

and I suppose I cant

think straight.

My head is pounding right now.

And if I take a moment

I'll start crying again.

And I soo so desperately

NEED

to cut.

But I cant.

What is wrong with me?