A Time For Yohe

watch this!!! Renee Yohe is one of my heroes!!!! she is an inspiration and gives me hope. 

@#%!

You know what really fucking pisses me off??  This whole depression bullshit.  I forgot to take my stupid meds today and the whole day just has a glowing afterthought of suckiness.  Why in the world do I have to take something to feel even remotely close to a normal human being?  It sucks!  And even when I do take my pills I still get depressed more than the average person.  The whole thing is complete and utter bullshit, and I am pissed off!  Some people may say, "well you control your emotions, if you dont want to be depressed you should just stop."  What the hell is that?  Why would anyone WANT to be depressed?  Or at least why would anyone WANT to FEEL depressed? (big difference there).  I just dont understand!  It's not fair that I need medication (Ive gone through 7 different antidepressants so far) AND therapy (I'm on my second therapist, and I've talked to other counselors too) to make me feel remotely normal.  And yet right now I still feel like shit.  It's definitely not the first time I've forgotten to take my meds.  Sometimes when I dont take them it feels like nothing has changed.  Other times, like now, I get really depressed.  And some times I act hella weird!  Example, I get really jittery, almost like I am jacked up on energy drinks I just cannot stay still.  I also say strange things, it's like the words fall out of my mouth with no sensor at all.  And I feel lightheaded, like my head is floating.  And I always want to twirl around.  Ummm yeah being off the meds sucks!  Its like you never know what you are going to get!  Haha I think it's almost funny.  While slightly hilarious, it also sucks balls!  I hate that one small little pill can change my entire day.  

but since when is life fair, right?

tomorrow is a new day.....

Waiting....

So I probably should be sleeping now, even though its only midnight, but I have to get up somewhat early for work tomorrow.  I cant sleep.  Anyways, my friends from school are coming to visit me this weekend and I am beyond excited!!!!!  Last week was sorta difficult for me, and I really need my friends!!!!!!  And one of my friends is having some issues herself, so they need me too (= I just cant wait to see them again and have it be like old times!!!  And Gloria also told me it would be good for me if I reconnected with college friends in the summer, soo... added bonus!  But anyhow, since last week was so tough and my emotions are pretty much going crazy, its getting really tough not to cut.  I havent cut since May 26th and I want to stay cut-free at least until my friends come.  I want them to be proud of me and I'd hate for them to feel disappointed or concerned.  And let me tell you it was ridiculous last week, you dont even know how many times I just wanted to do it.  And this may sound completely depressing, but I am also running out of places.  My old scars are already sooo noticeable so I need to stop cutting in such obvious places I guess...  Anyways, I meet with Gloria again on Wednesday so maybe I'll ask her what I can do to stop myself.  A friend suggested cutting a piece of wood.  I think it's brilliant!  But unfortunately I havent gotten any wood (thats what she said! haha) but I suppose that is my fault.  Nevertheless, the weekend is only a few days away and I am pumped!!!!! We only have the weekend so we are going to try and pack as much stuff in as possible!  I will try and keep you posted until then, and definitely after!  

Much love readers (bahaha if anyone is actually reading)

just a thought....

So today is GORGEOUS!! Its so nice and sunny out, so I decided to go tanning on my dock.  And when it got to be ridiculously hot, I stuck my feet into the water.  And just thought about how much I love water!  I mean just feeling it over my skin is amazing.  I even like washing my hands! Hahaha But anyways it got me thinking of walking on water and what it musta felt like.  I cant even imagine how that would feel on your feet. 

But I bet it felt amazing!

Dark Blue

Dark blue, dark blue.  Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

This is a great song by a great man.  Andrew McMahon, of Jack's Mannequin (and Something Corporate) is a great man in my opinion! haha I love the album Everything in Transit, every song on that album is great in my personal opinion.  And he is also excellent live!  But anyways, I love this song so much mainly because of this line.  I mean think about it, have you ever been alone in a crowded room?  I'll just tell you now that this is a feeling I have felt many many times.  I have no idea who would be reading this, but if you didnt already know I am clinically depressed and also have an anxiety disorder.  And it definitely hasnt been easy.  It's hard to put the feelings I get into words sometimes, and I try my best in journalling, but sometimes all you can do is put in a cd or plug in the ipod and this song, this line, is perfect.  Or at least it was.  I think that right now the song has been overplayed.  I mean now, whenever it comes up on my ipod-- I skip it.  But even if it has been overplayed, the line always helps me when I get depressed.  It's a line a cant forget.  It helps me because I know that somewhere out there, someone feels alone like me.  That Andrew McMahon once felt like me.  Alone, even though I am constantly surrounded by people.  It gives me some hope.  

Blogs

So, I was...encouraged....by a friend to start up a blog.  So, here it is.  I have no bloody clue what I am doing but I thought I'd give it a try.  I pretty much suck at all punctuation but I am trying, so just to warn you.  I've read a few of my friend's blogs and they are really sweet!  But they are written so poetically and profound, it sure is intimidating.  I just want to be me here, I dont want to try and be a great writer because I'm not.  So bring on the cliches, at least it will be real.  Try not and judge too hard though, because if I am going to do this I'm going to try and hold nothing back.  So another warning, things may get depressing and the language might be harsh.  Welcome to my life.

Cheers!