Last night...

Last night was another one of those nights.

Bryce and I, wrapped up in each others arms. Watching a movie that neither of us were really watching.

He asked me what was up.

I told him nothing.

He said something along the lines

"I can tell by the sounds of your breathing that it's not nothing"

I turned over to look him in the eyes.

My heart hurt right then.

He kissed me on the forehead

my cheeks

and my nose.

Saying,

"You have the cutest lips

the cutest nose

but the saddest eyes."

We're a bunch of cheeseballs...

He asked me

Why I hated myself so much?

I wasnt expecting it.

And I never know what to say

when asked questions like these.

To be put on the spot.

Why do I hate myself?

I have never thought of it as

me hating myself.

Anyways.

He cares about me.

I think that means he cares about me.

Why cant I just let him care?

I'm always so guarded.

I almost never let guys in.

almost.

never.

This mechanism...

The one that is stopping me from letting go.

from really feeling.

The one that is defending me, my heart.

It means well

but it always will hurt me.

I dont know what to do.

And I dont know why, or if I even do, "hate myself."

I dont even know who I am.

sabotage?

So I have a boyfriend...you know this.

And I'm happy with him, I really am! He treats me soo good, SO GOOD.

So why did I hide my tears last night when we were cuddling in the dark?

Why was I crying?

I dont know.

I'm scared of a lot of things. Small things. Irrational fears. Rational fears....I have anxiety, okay?!

And I suppose last night was just one of those nights...

I kept thinking "What happens when it all ends? What will happen when you hurt me, or I hurt you? What happens then??"

And while I was wondering that, I was also wondering why I was wondering it!

My first reaction to situations like this

[boys that like me back]

is to end it.

To cut things off. To stop them before they start.

To sabotage myself.

To make myself hurt.

Sound familiar??

What is it with me and wanting to hurt myself?

It's a pattern that is somewhat constant in my life.

Whether it's physical and in the now, like cutting or hitting myself.

Or long term, like smoking because I know it increases my chances of getting cancer.

Or mental, when I abuse myself but only in my mind.

Or even to break my own heart, because I'm too scared that someone else will do it for me.

It really is sabotage.

I have a good thing.

I have a real good thing right now.

And I dont want to ruin it.

But there's always that voice in the back of my head.

The one that says, "If he really knew you. If he really knew how messed up you were, he would hate you. He would be so disgusted by you. You make him sick."

And I dont even know if I believe it or not. Do I believe the lies? Are they even lies?

The question is, am I really sabotaging myself.

Or.

Am I just protecting myself from getting hurt?

Either way the pain is inevitable.

Someone will get hurt.

And I promise it will be me.

This or that.

I feel so confused right now.

And insecure.

Am I happy? Or not...

I will say that I think I have been happier lately. I think.

I hate that so often a boy will determine my mood. happy. sad. depressed.

It shouldn't be that way. I mean shouldn't I be secure all on my own?

So.

Am I happy because I am with someone right now?

Or are the meds finally kicking in?

Or am I in the good part, the part that comes right before the bad, ugly part. It comes in waves.

I just dont know.

?