cut me off.

I just feel so defeated.

By everything.

I dont really belong to anyone.

And no one really belongs to me.

Unattached.

It's not a good feeling.

I have cut a lot this week.

I have been "good" for a long time.

But I caved. I caved in, when I said I wouldnt.

Earlier this week I cut myself 10 times.

Five lines on each legs.

I couldnt sleep without them rubbing on my pajamas.

It hurt to put on pants.

Then one day, it just stopped hurting as much.

So I did it again.

2 more on each leg.

It felt good. And it hurts a lot.

But it's still not enough.

I need this pain

and I need it to be constant.

I dont know why.

But it makes my head hurt.

I can feel the tension in my neck

and down into my shoulders.

I want so badly to cut my legs

and arms.

But I have too many scars.

And people will start asking questions.

Why.

why.

why.

why.

Why do I have the urge to kill myself?

It is so strong. SO STRONG.

It makes me want to cry.

And sometimes I do.

But I cant let it go.

I need this.

I really think I need this.

all i want to do.

all i want to do is read depressing poetry.

listen to sad songs.

and sleep.

until there is nothing left.

what is wrong?

I should be really happy right now.

Really really happy.

But then why cant I stop crying?

I want to hurt myself.

But I wont.

I think the guy I like, likes me back.

He gives me crazy butterflies in my stomach.

And every time I talk to him my heart starts beating

really fast.

And the smile on my face just wont go away.

I should be really happy.

I have great friends.

And a wonderful family.

And a lot of people that care about me.

I dont understand.

I dont understand why I am still so...depressed.

I shouldnt be.

I dont want to be.

And I am really happy. But I'm also not.

It's so confusing.

I feel happy sometimes, but it's only a surface feeling.

And then when I'm all alone.

Or if I get a moment to think

Every thing floods my vision,

and I suppose I cant

think straight.

My head is pounding right now.

And if I take a moment

I'll start crying again.

And I soo so desperately

NEED

to cut.

But I cant.

What is wrong with me?

want to fly.

Last week a kid at my school spent a good part of his night hanging off of his 10th floor window. He was going to let go.

I got a text from a friend, telling me this. I was shocked. SHOCKED! This type of thing just doesnt happen in Eau Claire...you would think.

Anyways, I got the text right as I got in my car. I was driving to my night class. And on the short 2 minute drive I started crying. Just crying. And I said out loud,

"Wait, wait for me. Please just wait for me. We can do this together. I know we can. Let's jump and never look back. I want to fly."

I got to class and it's all I could really think about, and the gossip had already spread and people were already talking.

"How could life be so bad that you would want to jump from a 10 floor building?"

People just dont understand. It may not "get that bad" but we don't know that. To us, things are magnified and all rationales are pushed out. You simply cannot think straight. And sometimes, you feel crazy. You literally, feel crazy.

I remember one summer night, when I felt that feeling. Like I truly was insane. I was sobbing uncontrollably. My hair was a mess because I kept pulling it. And I was sitting in a corner of my room, behind the door, rocking back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth. Pulling my hair and sobbing.

That was the night when I almost drank bleach.

It's terrifying really. It makes my head hurt. And my heart drop. I look back now and know that whatever was the cause to make me get to that state was probably nothing. And I looked back the day after, knowing that it was probably nothing to have that reaction over. After it has passed, then I can think somewhat straight.

But in that moment. I become a completely different person. It's like I'm on drugs or something. A horrible trip. But I've never tried drugs in my life. And maybe that's why I wont. Things could go horribly wrong.

But now I'm just getting off topic.

So. In the end, they were able to talk the guy out of jumping. And I'm grateful that no one got hurt. But still. For myself.

I still want to fly.

inside my mind??? if just for a while.

i dont know what i'm doing here. i really dont. i am getting more and more depressed as each day goes on and passes by. and i cant think. i cannot think of the last time i was truly and genuinely happy. i cant remember feeling warm, body and soul. i cant do this. i cant do this. i cant do this.

sometimes my head feels like it's going to explode. that's cliche sounding, but the pressure in my head keeps building up and pushing outward and i really feel like at any moment....boom.

what am i doing? why am i even at school? what do i want to do with my life?

i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i just dont know. i suppose i am here to graduate, to get a degree. but why? i think all i want to do is make art. and possibly make a difference. i dont know. but anyways, if all i want to do is make art, why am i here? i think about dropping out a lot these days. i just cannot handle the stress. i cannot handle all of the pressure. i cannot handle my classes.

i'm almost positive that i am failing all three of my GE's. If i fail...i will have to retake them, and honestly that is just not an option. I am suffering in 2 out of 3 of my GE's. only one i find interesting, and even in that class i cant get above a 60% on the tests and quizzes.

but do i want to go back home? i dont know. maybe for a little. but not for long. i can just see myself, getting a place of my own. and not leaving. until there is nothing there at all. quietly passing on to a better place. a new place.

it seems like all my thoughts are morbid now. sometimes there will be a bit of happiness, when i am with friends. but it's only a matter of time before the demons come back.

i just want to sleep. i want to sleep, and do art i suppose. i have really tried to throw myself into my artwork this semester. but it seems the more i care, the more i get disappointed.

i still believe in God. i know many, if not all, of my friends from back home think i have turned my back to Him. i suppose in a way i have. but i still believe what i was taught, and my love for Him may have even gotten stronger. i dont blame Him, as many might for the way i almost constantly feel. depressed. anxious. scared. in fact, i love Him more because i cannot even fathom someone loving myself, me, unconditionally the way He does. it boggles my mind. i am not a perfect image of what a Christ follower should be, not anywhere near perfect. but i still know what i believe. and i can see an outward perspective on my life and the things i should be doing, or the things certain people would say to me. i know. but somehow, i still believe the lies satan feeds me about my self worth, body image, and life. it's sad. so why do i still believe it? i can see the way out but somehow i just cannot get there. and i refuse to claim to be a christian if my actions dont follow. because if going to a Christian school taught me anything, it taught me about judgement. i refuse to be a poser. some of my closest friends in high school are the ones that judge me the most. and the worst part about it is that they try and cover it up with Christ. and it sickens me.

so. i know. i know how people see me. and i know the truth over these stupid lies. but the bridge between me today and the ideal me, just cannot be seen.

so where does that leave me now?

i know the easy way out would be just to kill myself and get it over with. but. there still is a tiny fraction of me who believes i can change. i cant see how. and i cant see when. but there is a small glimmer of hope.

i just pray that in the process, i will feel alive, and not more dead by the second. because i truly feel like the living dead. i am going through the motions, but internally the fire has gone out.

i need help. i know i do. but i do not know if i can take it again. more counselors. more therapy. more medicine. getting the parents involved. getting my friends involved. actively trying to re-train my thinking. i dont know if i can handle it again. another time. it scares me.

i just need to go away. to sleep. to hibernate. i need to go away now.

jealous.

my roommate from last year, (and also next year) has leukemia.

all this happened so fast. and while i am sad for her.

is it bad that i am also insanely jealous?

cancer.

it's a scary word. although leukemia is fairly treatable. it's still scary.

it's like some sort of poison.

i just want all of this to end.

RIP-ley

today my grandpa died.

a week ago. my grandma died.

his wife.

i wasn't close

to them.

there were a lot

of family issues.

maybe that's why

i am hurting.

so much.

although.

nowadays,

lately.

everything hurts.

it's hard to wake up.

it's hard to find motivation.

to do anything.

study.

create.

etc.

etc.

the pressure

buildup

in my head.

might just

explode.

and i might

want it to.

is death scary?

no.

it may be sad for a while,

frightening for some.

but

it should be a happy

celebration.

so.

am i hurting

from these two

deaths?

or.

am i hurting

because

i am simply jealous?

ugly.

This weekend I got stood up. Or blown off. Or something along those lines. I was really looking forward to hanging out with this guy, nothing big just chillin. And it kinda surprised me how much it hurt after the fact. I was pissed. But I guess I wasn't...just sad. I feel so ugly. I mean only losers get stood up, right?! I think. I give myself away too easily. I'm not talking about a physical, giving my body away sort of thing. But I care too much. Too quickly. And it's like I set myself up for failure. For heartbreak. But I never learn. Once, not too long ago I wrote this down, "I'm a romantic, but I wish I wasn't. I'd rather end up a reformed cynic than a heartbroken romantic." I wish I found a different word for "romantic" since I used it twice. But I guess I didn't. Anyways I'm pretty sure I believe that. (I say pretty sure because as of late I am not really sure of anything. I rarely have an absolute answer).

Anyways, this guy. He's not the type of person who would do that...so I guess that leaves me. Obviously it's me. What else is new?

I just feel so stupid. ugly. fat.

okay, I know I'm not fat. But I've gained a lot of weight and I feel huge. just so ugly.

I guess people like me dont deserve to be happy.

read this...so true!

Just read this lyrics please. WOW! (theyre not earth shattering greatness or anything, but just true i suppose)

I believe in medication and I believe in therapy
And I believe in crystal light.
Cause I believe in me, yeah.
It's so uplifting, fuck yeah!

I barely have the motivation
They say I suffer from a lack of seratonin synapses
They happen too infrequently for me
To be functioning properly

I took the pills
I took the advice
The panic stopped
But still, I'm not right
Racing thoughts and wasted time
It's the same old story-line
This is my nursery rhyme
And it goes:

I believe in medication and I believe in therapy
And I believe in crystal light.
Cause I believe in me, yeah.
It's so uplifting, fuck yeah!

I'm barely off the medication
And now the walls are closing in again
I can't breathe and I can't bleed
Will you be my alibi?
Tell them that I truly tried
To give in.

Woa-oh, woa-oh.
Ooh, ooh!
Woa-oh, woa-oh.
Ooh, ooh!
Woa-oh, woa-oh.
Ooh, ooh!
Woa-oh, woa-oh.

today in class.

i got so nervous. i'm pretty sure i almost had a panic attack. so i wrote what i felt down. here ya go:

My heart feels like it's about to leap from my chest. My stomach is uneasy and my hands, shaky. I want to cry. I need to throw up. And my head is spinning. Like a balloon, it might detach and float away. Pounding. My heart is pounding. Leap frog, let's play. But I don't want to play. All these people. I need to get out. I need a release. To cut? Maybe. I guess I just need some control. Everyone just settle down. JUST FUCKING SETTLE DOWN. please. Please just stop. I need to get out.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

it was pretty intense. I felt so out of control of my own body. Almost paranoid. And like I could easily burst into tears or throw up. And my heart wouldnt stop racing. I put my hand over my heart, like maybe that would slow it down. something. I tend to do that a lot. Put my hand over my heart, like the Pledge of Allegiance. Sometimes I do it when I'm scared, like today, to just feel it beat so fast. Other times I will do it as a way to reassure that my heart is still beating. I know it is, but something about it just....I dont know, calms me down? I'm not sure but it's a reassurance for sure.

I hate anxiety.

I hate panic attacks.

I suppose that means I hate losing all sense of control?

i dont know.

i dont get it. i just dont get it. here i am, after a great day. a great weekend. and a great week--here i am, crying. just from out of no where. i just get really really sad. depressed. for absolutely no good reason. and the worst part is that i feel so SO SO selfish for it. guilt. people are dying. familys are suffering. people just have REAL reasons to feel depressed. or angry. or sad. or hopeless. i cant even write on here anymore, because i just feel like everyone sees me as a complainer. poor poor sad little melanie. how pathetic. grow up. JUST STOP. there are real problems. just snap out of it.

i wish i could.

it's hard. if it were easy, maybe i wouldnt even have a blog.

but i really cannot handle all of this. i'm questioning all of this right now. all:school, my future, my art, my life etc...

school: should i even be here right now? a month ago my mom voiced that she didnt even want me to return to school. and that i wouldnt be next year if things dont improve. that made me panic, but now i'm not too sure. should i really be here? it might just be a waste of time

my future/my life/my art: will it happen? how long? does it even matter?

i just want it to be over.

everything.

but that's just taking the easy way out, now isnt it?

for the first time in a while, i really have the urge to cut myself. but really. i just cannot take one sad pathetic look from my friends. one more joke about cutting, said right to my face. the shame in hiding it from my mother.

i just want to be alone. but isnt being alone is what i fear most?

i want it, but i fear it? i fear it, but i want it? maybe i fear it, but i need it?

again, i just dont know anything anymore.

everything is driving me crazy.

what will i do if i make it past the age of 25?

a plea? idk..its just how i feel

i think i am starting to hate myself more and more as each day passes by. the reasons to just keep piling up. a no good piece of shit. worthless. stupid. foolish. the list goes on and on and on.

even what once made me feel good, pain, doesnt feel as good. because after comes guilt. i feel guilty when i do it. cut.

but i want to cut my whole body. i just want my whole body to sting, to bleed. i want my outside to reflect my inside. and my inside to reflect my inside. i want to break all the bones in my body. to be broken physically AND mentally.

i want to throw myself off a cliff. building. bridge. i want to fly. freedom. i need these aches to go away. but i also need the pain to stay.

i just so desperately want to die. okay. i said it. I WANT TO DIE. and no one should feel pity on me. and i know that if i did die, people would hate me. selfish.

i need to go home now. HOME. to live with the angels. to kiss God.

i just need to be. gone.

urges. to cut my neck. to take a nail and hammer it into my bones. to take a drill to my temple. to get run over.

i guess i just need to feel. i need to feel alive. because i just feel so dead inside. i need to feel physical pain because my mind needs a break, if just for a second.

i just need to be gone.

i need to be gone now.

now.

help me please. i know this is sick. and twisted. but it is how i feel inside.

maybe feeling nothing is better than feeling like this.

make me feel nothing.

this is how i feel.

I haven't written in a while. I've wanted to...and even started a few posts, but something is stopping me.

I feel broken. And I don't just mean defeated. I also mean defective, malfunctioned. Smashed to pieces?

I feel confused. So much has happened this summer, medically, for me. And to tell you the truth, now I dont know which way is up or down, left or right, right or wrong. And it's frightening.

I feel scared. What if I cant handle all of this? What if being on my own, living in a house is too much for me to handle? Or what if school is just too hard? What if I dont find a job, what will I do about money? My mom doesnt want me to even go to school this year. And she says that if this year doesnt go well, then I'm not returning next year. What will happen then? I.S.O.L.A.T.I.O.N.

I feel naked. I've shared some pretty personal things on this blog. But I wanted it that way, I said from the beginning that I wouldnt hold anything back. This was going to be my outlet.

So now, I dont know what to do. I just feel so...discouraged. And lost. And selfish. I am probably the most selfish person I know. So...I guess I'm just warning you, I might not be writing in the near future. I'm scared in what is to come.

I just dont know anything anymore.

defeat? or success?

Today, along with my mother and father I went to get my test conclusions. I did a series of tests at a psychologist office to see if I have ADD or some other learning disability. Today was the evaluation. It was interesting. The conclusion is no learning disabilities! But a tad bit of attention problems and definitely memory issues. And a hell of a lot of anxiety with a side of depression. Hmm. I’ve always thought of it the other way around. I always thought I was depressed, with a bit of anxiety. However, the more and more we talked, my anxiety became even more obvious. Its funny how a series of events throughout my LIFETIME could all point to one thing. Seemingly unrelated events, at that. But things are definitely starting to make some sense. Anyways, I’m not exactly sure how to take all of this. The whole attention/memory/learning disability thing is one thing. And then the anxiety/depression is another. But I suppose they both lead to one thing…medication. I have a love/hate relationship with medications. I’ve taken a bunch for my depression. And that did a whole lot of NOTHING in the long run. I’m hopeful and skeptical at the same time. I mean, after dealing with medication after medication (7 or 8 antidepressants..) I cant help but feel broken. At the same time, if there’s a medication that will help my attention, which may in turn help my memory, which subsequently helps my grades…then I suppose I’m willing to give it a try. It’s complicated. I hate the whole guess and check situation with some medications. With antidepressants the doctor doesn’t know which specific one will help, so they pick one and see if it does. If it doesn’t, they move on to the next. It’s a very exhausting process. This is why I’m tentative.

I suppose my parents see success in all this, but
I feel so defeated.

fear.

I’m scared of a lot of things. And I don’t know what my biggest fear is. There are much too many. But one thing that absolutely terrifies me is this. I’m scared that one day, I will have a family, kids. I will have these beautiful children, and I will pass this ugly disease to them. The thought makes me want to throw up, and makes me hate myself a little more. Eventually I want to have children. But I am scared to. What if they are as miserable as I am? It makes my mind hurt, what if I have them anyways?

How selfish would that be?

Crave.

You know how sometimes you just have a craving for something. Its on your mind and you just want it soooo bad. Like chocolate. Or potato chips. Or something else like that. I’ve definitely have cravings like that. But right now, it’s similar but different. I crave a knife. A blade striking against my flesh. Blood. Seeing my inside, out. The way my arm feels after I’ve cut a few times. The sting after I slap the cuts, to make them bleed again. The way I can feel my heartbeat EVERYWHERE. Yeah, I miss that. It’s a crazy concept to grasp. And I know I sound crazy when I say all of that. But just think of it like you are craving chocolate. And I mean REALLY craving. And then, multiply that by a hundred. The craving is so intense, I just cant stop thinking about it.

I used to describe it like an itch. On the bottom of your foot. And you have shoes and socks on. And you are driving your car. You know that you shouldn’t itch it, but the itchy feeling is so intense. You wait as long as possible, but finally you just cant take it anymore. You have to rip off your shoes and socks to finally scratch the itch. All better.

I know there is debate on whether or not self harm is an addiction but it truly and honestly feels that way. I am no medical expert, but it feels like I am enslaved by this…habit?

I want to cut so bad right now. And it’s not like I’m super depressed or anything. It doesn’t always happen when I’m depressed (a common misconception). IT’S JUST A CRAVING that I get. It’s driving me crazy. But, I’m trying to be good. I haven’t cut for over a month. But to be completely honest, it’s mostly because of my scars. I have so soooo many scars. And its getting to be a bit ridiculous.

My scars don’t bother me tooo much, until I go out in public. I’m not embarrassed all the time, but I’m scared people will ask me questions (especially adults), and I KNOW people are judging me. It’s inevitable. But I’m kinda scared to lose them. Sometimes, I don’t want to forget.

Ah! Sometimes, my mind just cannot rest. It cannot stop.

bleak thoughts.

I wrote this June 3rd 2010. But idk...thought I'd post it now... whatevs

My left leg hurts.

Today I cut myself. 5 times on my left leg.

I think they were pretty deep.

They were still bleeding slightly, hours later.

And they hurt like hell right now.

I got a speeding ticket today.

And for some reason, I couldn’t stop crying afterwards.

I had to relieve the pain.

Luckily I had my exacto in my purse.

And just like that, I was cutting again.

It was almost a month.

Almost a month without self inflicted physical harm.

And the last time, wasn’t even a cut.

It was just my finger tracing a line on my arm.

A nervous habit?

No. I needed the pain.

I could feel the wetness as I was scrapping, and I kept digging

Harder and faster.

It's almost healed now.

Today I got a speeding ticket.

And I cut my left leg 5 times.

I spent the rest of the trip in silence.

Except for the harsh sounds of my open fist

Slapping my face as hard as I could.

Over and over.

Sometimes I do that.

I hit myself because sometimes the cutting

Just isn’t enough.

Nothing is ever enough.

And by nothing, I mean everything.

The cutting is not enough.

The hitting is not enough.

I am not enough.

I’m really light headed

All day today really.

And my eyelids are heavy.

And my limbs are heavy.

I feel like I am sleepwalking.

I always feel like I'm sleepwalking.

Just put me out of my misery.

Please just put me out of my misery.

It hurts.

Everything hurts.

So please.

Just put me out of my goddamn misery.

marionette.

How can one single person make one feel so incredibly happy one moment, and then devastatingly sad the next?

I hate how the people you love the most (or even the guys you like etc.) can hurt you the worst. I was having a conversation with a friend, and they said that (well without the parenthesis). Funny thing is that I’ve thought that exact thought so so so many times. Although this person was talking about love. And in my life, it has more just been about silly boys.

But anyways, I hate it. How can a boy, a boy that may not mean anything in the span of my life, have that much control over my emotions? Although I will say, I overanalyze like crazy. I pick apart every little thing. Every text, every lack of text, what people say, how they say it etc. And every little detail is illuminated. Something that normal people see as miniscule, or don’t even see at all can be ten feet high for me.

It’s not like I want this to happen. I want to be happy. I fake being happy sometimes, thinking maybe if I fake it for a while it will become real. And sometimes it works. Well I suppose most times it works. That is, until I’m alone again. Late at night. In my bedroom. In my car. When everyone has gone home, or when everyone’s sleeping, it’s then when how I really feel comes to the surface. I hate this feeling. I hate it and I cannot for the life of me escape it.

When is this ever going to end?

home?

There's nothing quite like being home, that makes one feel so alone.

Why is that? I definitely dont have those warm fluffy "home" feelings right now, now that I am home for the summer. If anything, it makes me come to the realization that I am more alone than ever. I look forward to going shopping with a friend or grabbing coffee like I'm seven and it's a day before Christmas. It's sad really. People look forward to summer, college students, high school, elementary! And I do too. Until the second day. Then, it's just sad. Am I bored already? Or do I just miss being constantly surrounded by people. How can I feel this alone now, and this alone when there's people all around me? I guess the grass is always greener on the other side, but come on....this is just ridiculous. And how can a college campus feel more like home to me than my ACTUAL home? I'm scared. But I dont know what exactly I'm scared of? (and that also scares me) Am I scared of living? Am I scared of dying? Maybe a little of both? I'm starting to think that the latter is keeping me alive. And the first, is making me deader each day.

"You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive"

My favorite line in fun.'s Be Calm. Because it's how I feel, often. Most often than not I feel dead inside. That the only reason I am still alive, still going through the actions, is because my organs are keeping me this way. I try and act happy. To act like a normal human being. And most of the time I think I do a pretty good job at fooling most everyone. Except it gets harder at home. I dont try and fake it around my family. Because all they seem to do is piss me off. But even them, I guess I do still hide it. They have no clue what's really going on inside. No body does. And this is the closest glimpse anyone will ever get to knowing how I really feel. Unless of course they find my journals on my computer.... Anyways, I guess I feel so alone, so...depressed? so hopeless. But at the same time, I don't want people to find out. I WANT to be happy, bubbly Melanie. I dont want to be dark and twisted Melanie. Who wants to be friends with someone like this?

I'm babbling. I could go on and on about the whole friends thing...but I will spare you. I guess how I really feel now is just alone. Alone in this big house. So separated from people I used to call my friends. Would we still be friends if I lived closer? Who knows? All I know, is that summer isn't all it's cracked up to be.

and

I hate feeling this way.

random nonsense?

I haven’t taken my medication in probably a week…maybe a little more. I don’t know why I stopped. And I don’t know if the stop has made a difference. I feel weird though. Like I feel like crying sometimes. Right now, it’s just random. But even watching tv shows or movies, there will be a sad part or not even sad part and I will just feel like crying. Like an overwhelming sense of emotions are inside of me. And another thing. I wrote this on Monday. It’s just easier to copy it down word for word, so here ya go.

Something is not right. But I don’t know what’s wrong. Today in graphic design I got the most agonizing pain in the wrist of my right arm. It was the exact definition of searing. Like a bolt of lightning entered into my wrist and through my arm. It made me stop what I was doing and grasp my wrist with my other hand for several seconds, until the pain finally subsided. And now, probably 45 minutes later my chest has this aching feeling in it. It’s not quite as sharp—actually it might be bordering on dull, pulsating pain, digging into my chest.

Something is not right.
Obviously.
What ‘what?’ is the question.

Or is this all in my head?

It’s not the first time I’ve had that excruciating pain in my wrist. Sometimes it starts in my heart, goes to my right shoulder and travels down to my wrist. It hurts like hell. It’s hard to describe but I guess it feels like lightning. Not that I know what lightning feels like, but it feels like how I imagine lightning to feel like. Sometimes I get it in my chest. The lightning feel. Like someone is stabbing a bolt of lightning straight through my heart. I don’t think I get it anywhere else. Just in my right wrist, my heart area, and then when it travels to my wrist. I don’t know why I get it, and I don’t know when I get it. It’s just so odd.

I feel tired. Like I am extra tired this week for some reason. Even when I get enough sleep. Although, when is it really enough? I guess there’s a small part of an insomniac inside of me somewhere. But it’s usually the worst in the summer, or when I'm at home. Once I remember staying up until 8 in the morning. It’s a strange feeling just sitting at the foot of your bed, doing nothing. Not really thinking about anything in particular but just starring into space. Anyways, I just feel like I’m sleepwalking when I’m awake.

I was gonna write more…but I’m sleepy haha more later maybe…

Wind like water

It’s been windy the past few days. Walking around campus, down the hill, across the bridge. Its cold, but mostly because of the wind. I don’t like the cold. But there’s just this thing with wind. I’m not sure what it is but I like it. I’m not sure if I’ve always liked it but it’s just something I’ve noticed this year and last. Just walking alone, or just stopping to stand there and feeling it on my face and in my hair. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel real, like I can finally breathe again. Its odd, I spend the majority of my life indoors. I’m not a big outdoors person. I love the outdoors and all its beauty, but I wouldn’t call myself an outdoors type of person. But sometimes a person can’t truly feel alive in an enclosed room. Seriously though, sometimes when I’m walking outside and the wind just picks up and I can feel it through my hair, everything just seems to freeze. It’s not like a peaceful feeling necessarily. But more like a relief I guess. Like "okay, I’m still here." Like, everything else stops—except for the wind. I guess it’s the one thing that makes me feel like I can breathe. I can finally breathe. Back in the day [okay not really…but last year when I was really depressed] I used to lie down in my bed late at night before going to sleep and just play movies in my head. Like sometimes it would be my suicide. Or I would think up my suicide letter and whom I would address and what I would say. It would calm me down. But anyways, when I was thinking of different suicides one of them was I would go outside of my dorm building late at night or really early in the morning, so no one would be outside. And then I would have a small backpack of things, including a letter etc, and anyways I would continue to climb up a tree by the building yadda yadda yadda. But anyways before that I would just spin in circles. You know…arms slightly out and in a slow mo movie-like matter. And then after I was finished with that I would lie down on my back on a bench and just look up at the sky, and just breathe. Just breathe everything all in. And then for once in my world, everything was calm. I wasn’t suffocating any more. I wasn’t drowning. I wasn’t choking. Whatever it was. All I knew is that I could FINALLY just breathe. Anyways, it’s that feeling that I get when I just stop and notice the wind. It’s not one of those “everything is all right, finally just in that moment” type of deals. Because sometimes everything isn’t all right. I guess it’s more like a forget everything and just feel alive??? I don’t really know how to describe it. Everything I think of just doesn’t sound right.

I guess what it comes down to is that it’s been windy out lately. And while I might complain about it being cold, when I take the time to notice the way it moves through my hair and feels like water just flowing over my skin; it changes me. I know I’ve said this over and over in this but it truly does make me feel like I can finally breathe.

followers

hmm so it's 1:29 am and I leave for New York tomorrow. I am excited and worried all at the same time. But I dont want to talk about that.

Recently, I've noticed that I have more "followers" haha, that scares me and makes me smile all at once! It's cool that I have followers on this blog, because for so long I didnt, and just felt like I was writing in my journal. (which is kinda what I do anyways for these blog posts) But I kinda liked it, like people could come across it by chance if they wanted but I wasnt going to advertise my life to everyone. (Example. I am only currently following 2 people).

Anyways, now I feel naked. Because in this, I try to not hold anything back. I talk about my personal life, I swear, and I talk about my deepest darkest secrets. And now, all of a sudden there's people reading what I write. I'm not bothered by it, if I were I would just delete my blog. But it does make me feel all exposed and out there. I guess a part of me is glad, because this way it lets people know what I am really feeling. I try my best to explain my depression and how I feel in these posts. I know that for people who dont have depression or people who dont injure themselves have a hard time understanding WHY. And that's totally legit. Soo it kinda is good that all of a sudden people are reading this, because maybe it gives them a small glimpse into my life.

I guess I feel bad as well, however. It seems like all my friends write all philosophical like, or they give write poetically about their walk with God, and religion and what it proposes, all of these different incites on life and such. And then there's me, the sad little depressed girl whose complaining all the time about how bad her life sucks, when really she has it pretty damn good.

Whatever. I dont care. It sometimes helps me to relax.

I'm going to do it anyways.

:D (insert big dorky smile here!)

(ending time, 1:39)

Sleepwalking

I don’t know what's wrong with myself. I feel depressed sometimes. I feel over joyed with happiness sometimes. And sometimes I feel both and just end up feeling nothing. Or something that resembles nothing. I mean it can’t be just nothing. But I feel incredibly odd right now. Confused I guess. Earlier I felt so happy. And then I felt a little down. And now…confused. I just feel odd. Oh so odd. Haha that’s funny. But seriously, right now I’m just sitting here, in a sort of cloudy confusion because I don’t know what this feeling is. It sorta feels like I’m sleepwalking. In a zombie like state. My eyes are “glazed” over with a questioning expression on my face. Like everything is brand new. But I don’t see sunshine. I just see a blur of things. Like one of those slow motion, blurry video sequences of someone whose about to faint. Or maybe its like I’m drowning. Just right now, in this moment, I feel like it’s not me who’s living. Like I am watching myself.

Now that I have written that down…it reminds me of something. I’ve felt this way before. When I was unknowingly overdosing on antidepressants and having trippy side effects. Like hallucinations. But I don’t see how that could be happening now…since I am only taking 5 MGs of my medication…which is an incredibly small dosage.

I guess I’m just confused. Especially as to why I am feeling this way. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with myself because earlier I was feeling fucking fantastic. But it seems like it came to a sudden stop, and I feel very alone. It’s not quite a depressed feeling. And I don’t know if it’s worse or better?

Laughing Just to Laugh

Question. Do you ever feel like laughing just to laugh? When smiling just isn’t enough, but nothings really funny?

It doesn’t happen to me very often but it has happened enough to where I’ve noticed it. Where I just feel like laughing.

People, my friends, look at me strangely and wonder why I am laughing. No reason. I just feel like giggling. I guess it is a strange little phenomenon, but I don’t think it should be considered as weird. It should really be welcomed. But, so should many of the strange things I have urges to do. And sometimes I just do them. Why shouldn’t I? Its something I wonder…why do people hold back? If I want to twirl in the hallways, why cant I? And I do! Haha but I guess I'm getting off topic. Soo here I am, sitting in class trying not to burst out laughing because now that would just be rude! But right now I feel like laughing just to laugh.

a new leaf??

Sooo it’s been a while since I’ve last written…and I must say that my mood has definitely improved. Which it always does. I mean I have my good periods of time and then my horrid ones. And I have to admit that it helps having a certain “distraction” to get my mind out of the bad. Yes it is a guy, and we’ve been talking for a while now. And I think its good. But I cant help but wonder if I’m one of those girls who needs a guy to feel good. That kind of disgusts me. I don’t want to have my emotions being controlled by someone else. But for now, I’m just happy to be happier.

Anyways, its also interesting the secrets that come out about your significant other after breaking up. my friends now tell me the things that annoyed them, and that they thought he was a creep. I don’t quite know how to feel about that. I mean I don’t think he’s a creep. Just shy and awkward and misunderstood. But still, my feelings toward him went from being completely infatuated to really really sad to being incredibly pissed off. And now, im not sure how I feel about him. But I surely don’t miss him nearly as much as I did at first. And I cant imagine ever going back to things being normal with him. Friends? Maybe but I don’t know probably not. Civil is more like it. The whole situation, on both parts-his and mine, seem very incredible childish.

Anyways, now I have something to take my mind off of him. And I really think I like this new guy. He doesn’t go to Eau Claire so it’s a refreshing new thing….something to keep my mind off of my troubles but to also keep me out of getting into trouble with other guys. For now we are just talking and I like it because I feel like that is what was really what was lacking in my other relationship. (not to mention that he is adorable and is definitely what my friends from back home would consider to be “my type”). You know…flannel wearing, guitar playing, plaid loving sort of guy who I just want to hold hands with! Is this weird to be telling in a blog?? Yeah a bit perhaps. I guess the main thing is, is that I am finally starting to be happy again. FINALLY. Its about damn time. Its been 8 days since I last cut myself. Its not much, but that month of cutting was sure exhausting so it does seem like a lot right now!

For now, I guess I’ll just see where things go with this whole thing. I really hope it turns out well! I mean I have to get over Ian eventually, and even though it seems really soon it doesn’t seem like a rebound…it just seems exciting!!

Peace, love, and bacon!!

2.28.10

Why am I feeling like this right now? All I feel like doing is sleeping, and just waiting for the next time I am going to hurt myself. Just waiting for time to pass. Things get better in time right? so for now im just waiting to get to when its alright and when I don’t feel like shit anymore. When I don’t feel like all im doing is waiting til the next time I get to cut myself. this is going to sound ridiculously strange, but when i started this blog i said i would be real and not hold back. but anyways back to the ridiculous...it feels good. it feels good to hurt myself again. for the months that i was still with Ian i had only cut myself 3 times. and since our breakup...a little over a week ago that number has multiplied to almost 5 times that. its scary...but it feels nice.

hi.

matthew pautsch, you are a beautiful writer. :)

just thought you should know

Thursday February 25 2010

It’s a weird feeling when you cut yourself. Tonight I cut myself twice, deep. In the bathroom. Then I cut myself twice more sitting on my bed. They weren’t as deep. The first two--They made my arm feel heavy and numb….but it didn’t really hurt. Not too much anyways. The pain was in the first initial cut. And then my arm just felt strange. And now, after the next two cuts, I guess it hurt a bit more than the first two…but still its not excruciating or anything. Now the pain is just there, maybe like a mosquito bite or a paper cut. It hurts in that area but I guess its more annoying than anything. The rest of my arm feels like an ache. Like someone hit it or something?? It still feels heavy. I guess it kinda feels like one arm is sitting lower than the other. Right now, the worst part is the dissatisfaction of the whole ordeal. I still want to cut. I want to cut until I feel real. I want to cut until the blood stops flowing. That’s the problem you know, the blood eventually stops coming out. I want to cut myself all over sometimes. It’s frustrating this thing. It really is. Sometimes I just have strange urges to harm myself. And theyre weird too. Like whoever may be reading this, get ready because you are going to think I’m clearly nuts. One time I remember having the strange desire to slice my tongue open. And other times I feel the urge to take a drill to my temple and just start drilling away. Other times, I feel like heating up a fork over the stove and then hitting myself with it as hard as I can. There’s more too. Like once I felt the urge to take a dull spoon and start scooping away at my flesh until I reached organs. They go on. Tons of strange strange urges that I get to harm myself, rather than the normal cutting. Anyways, it’s not always dissatisfactory. Sometimes I feel like I’m clearly going insane….and I’m talking about mental institution kind of insane involving white rooms and padded walls, but then when I finally give into the cutting I feel incredibly calm. Like nothing was ever wrong, and I can finally breathe again. It’s a strange ordeal. Right now I guess I feel slightly satisfactory. I like feeling the constant dull pain on my upper arm/shoulder, it actually makes me smile for a bit. But at the same time, I do feel unsatisfied…like I could cut a few more times and that would be better. Sometimes after I cut myself, I slap myself on wherever I cut as hard as I can…sometimes it makes it bleed again and I like it.

I cant explain why I’m like this. Why I need this pain. Why I always end up resorting to this. People may judge. No, I guess people will judge—its inevitable. But they don’t know me. And I honestly don’t think I can change anymore. Do I think I will get better? Maybe. Do I think I will stop cutting or causing self harm? Probably not. I’ve tried so many times to just stop it. To get better. To just stop being depressed. And I cant. I’ve gone to psychologists, counselors, doctors, and psychotherapists. And I’ve taken medication after medication. I’ve tried to channel my energy into something productive. I’ve tried other ways of feeling the zing of pain. And sure it helps for a while….but eventually this is where I end up. I always end up hurt and with blood flowing out of my arm. My shoulder. My hip. My leg. Hell, even the bottom of my foot.

And I have to say, I guess I can always depend on it. My knife and I.

Is that all I’ll ever be?

"Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

I hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame"