help me.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Literally sick to my stomach.

For some odd reason I've been thinking about something that happened to me

over a year ago.

It's heavy, I know it's heavy.

And I cant bring myself to talk about it to anyone. I've talked a little bit about it with my friend Kajsa, but that's it.

And for some reason it's constantly on my mind now.

I dont know why. Why now??

It has bothered me before but NEVER EVER EVER to this extent.

I am so confused.

And I cant really talk to anyone.

It's beyond myself.

Beyond my self harm.

This involves another person.

And I am just so confused.

What happened?

What did I do?

Did I even do anything?

I need to talk about this to someone.

But I cant.

burnt.

I dont really feel like spilling my feelings out in the open right now.

I dont feel in the mood to blog.

But I cant keep this inside.

Saturday night was bad.

So bad that I burnt myself three times on my wrist with lit cigarettes.

I just needed to feel. I needed to feel something. And while it hurt a little bit, I still felt nothing.

All rational thought goes out the window when I get into that state of mind.

I feel like I am literally going crazy.

Anyways, I held the cigarettes there until they burnt out. I got huge blisters and they all popped. I started to get scared.

It didnt hurt that bad at the time, but after a few days it felt like my arm was going to fall off.

I went home. Told my parents. And have never felt more shame in my entire life.

I have 3 third degree burns on my wrist. Three. The burns now are waxy white from the necrotic tissue that has surfaced. And it needs to come off so I can heal. My wrist hurts, but the burns do not. It's because of the third degree burns, the nerve endings are destroyed.

I feel so many things right now.

Shame. Sadness. Deep depression. And oddly, proud.

I cant explain it, but it doesnt make me feel the least bit normal. I feel crazy.

So I guess that's it. That's all I really have to say.

I'm numb,

yet emotional.

But mostly, I just feel nothing.

Nothing at all.

giving up for now

I think I might be giving up on this for a while.

My intent for this blog was to write out my feelings at the moment,

to have an open journal.

But recently I found out that sometimes it's just used as a way to

judge.

That makes me extremely sad.

So for now I will keep to myself

or trust my thoughts with my true friends.

grey area

I guess I'm in a "grey area" with Bryce.

We broke up, but we're still sorta together.

I dont know why this is so hard.

I think that we should just be done.

To just call it what it is.

But there's still a small part of me that's hanging on.

All of those things set aside...

I dont know how I feel about my life right now.

I think...

I'm not happy

nor sad.

Perhaps I'm in a "grey area" in my life as well.

I want to be happy.

Someday, I want to be happy.

I'm just not too sure of what to do with my life at this point

where to go.

And I feel so so very misplaced.

Where did all my friends go?

While I have many acquaintances

many "friends"

I dont really feel close to any of them.

And that makes me very very sad.

I feel confused

and lost

but at the same time

I feel..

...nothing.

To Bryce.

It’s hard right now. And it’ll be hard for a little bit but it will slowly start to get better. And the next girl. The girl after me…well I’ll hate her…but she’s going to make you realize that you and I weren’t so good after all. And you can look back at me and smile, knowing that I’m still heartbroken…and you’ll get a tiny bit of satisfaction because you’ve found something better and now you can hurt me instead of me always hurting you. And I will be happy for you, or at least I'll try. And you know as well as I do, that I will kick myself and say that I missed out. I know I have. But it needed to be done. It would’ve just happened anyways. But it wont matter then. Because you will have moved on…and I will still be stuck here. Stuck in the past.

[what I can't say to him]

idk

I dont know what to do.

I feel discouraged by a lot of things right now.

And I dont know what to do.

So for now.

I'm sitting on my bed.

Starring at my computer.

Bleeding from my arm.

I want to go to sleep.

but I cant move.

I cant do anything.

It's bad

When you actually WANT

to go to a mental institution.

When you think it'd be good for you.

It's become a daily thing

where I think about suicide,

in at least ten different ways.

I think about it a lot.

And I almost...

crave it.

It's like a deep deep desire

of mine

to die.

Living to die?

Living to die.

stress

And I feel sick

sick to my stomach

and dizzy in my head

and also

as if something or someone has

taken over my body.

It doesnt feel mine anymore.

Lately I have been so stressed out. About school

Dying relatives

Boy troubles

Kaylee and her cancer

But mostly just school

and Bryce.

It's getting to the point where I physically cannot deal anymore. And it's taking a toll on my body. Vomiting.

Vomiting in random places at random times because the stress has taken over my body and is controlling everything. Who I am. How I react. And so forth.

I cant even tell you how many times I have found myself curled over the toilet, dry heaving and heaving and heaving

and then sometimes I will eventually throw up.

Sometimes there's just nothing there.

And it's not only throwing up. Sometimes I get so s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d that I cant stop shaking...or I cant keep myself from rocking back and forth.

back and forth.

I dont know what this all means. I almost feel how I felt in my insomniac times. And that's not good. [like as if there's a bubble around you, filled with water. moving so slow. hearing so foggy]

I'm just so sick

so so sick

of this place.

Take me home.