why am i still here

as of lately i have been ridiculously happy. and yes i suppose some of it has to do with ian, but it seems like everything was fitting into place. classes were going good, i was finally getting along with my old friends and also making new friends, everything was fairly good. but now...i have no idea whats going on. i found out that other people have been calling me a slut now. perfect. and to make matters worse it's one of ians friends/housemates. ian told me not to worry about it, and held me when i was crying. it was the sweetest thing. but then that got me thinking, i am so incredibly selfish. i dont deserve anyone who'd do that. remember? i deserve the jerks. the ones that use me and treat me like shit. i havent the slightest why anyone so nice and so good would want someone broken and a "slut" like me.

another thing, my friend stefi just completely spazzed on me. totally made me cry (in the closet when she was gone) and yeah it hurt. i guess i shouldnt be surprised. people are mean and they hurt other people. i guess i just didnt expect HER to be the one that hurts me. she always tells me that shes always here for me, but its never true. everytime that ive gone to her because i was depressed or suicidal or upset we would talk about it for a while and then the rest of the time we'd talk about her. so eventually i just stopped going to her.

people are mean.

and the people who are nice never stick around.

or are fake.

why am i still here?