random nonsense?

I haven’t taken my medication in probably a week…maybe a little more. I don’t know why I stopped. And I don’t know if the stop has made a difference. I feel weird though. Like I feel like crying sometimes. Right now, it’s just random. But even watching tv shows or movies, there will be a sad part or not even sad part and I will just feel like crying. Like an overwhelming sense of emotions are inside of me. And another thing. I wrote this on Monday. It’s just easier to copy it down word for word, so here ya go.

Something is not right. But I don’t know what’s wrong. Today in graphic design I got the most agonizing pain in the wrist of my right arm. It was the exact definition of searing. Like a bolt of lightning entered into my wrist and through my arm. It made me stop what I was doing and grasp my wrist with my other hand for several seconds, until the pain finally subsided. And now, probably 45 minutes later my chest has this aching feeling in it. It’s not quite as sharp—actually it might be bordering on dull, pulsating pain, digging into my chest.

Something is not right.
Obviously.
What ‘what?’ is the question.

Or is this all in my head?

It’s not the first time I’ve had that excruciating pain in my wrist. Sometimes it starts in my heart, goes to my right shoulder and travels down to my wrist. It hurts like hell. It’s hard to describe but I guess it feels like lightning. Not that I know what lightning feels like, but it feels like how I imagine lightning to feel like. Sometimes I get it in my chest. The lightning feel. Like someone is stabbing a bolt of lightning straight through my heart. I don’t think I get it anywhere else. Just in my right wrist, my heart area, and then when it travels to my wrist. I don’t know why I get it, and I don’t know when I get it. It’s just so odd.

I feel tired. Like I am extra tired this week for some reason. Even when I get enough sleep. Although, when is it really enough? I guess there’s a small part of an insomniac inside of me somewhere. But it’s usually the worst in the summer, or when I'm at home. Once I remember staying up until 8 in the morning. It’s a strange feeling just sitting at the foot of your bed, doing nothing. Not really thinking about anything in particular but just starring into space. Anyways, I just feel like I’m sleepwalking when I’m awake.

I was gonna write more…but I’m sleepy haha more later maybe…

Wind like water

It’s been windy the past few days. Walking around campus, down the hill, across the bridge. Its cold, but mostly because of the wind. I don’t like the cold. But there’s just this thing with wind. I’m not sure what it is but I like it. I’m not sure if I’ve always liked it but it’s just something I’ve noticed this year and last. Just walking alone, or just stopping to stand there and feeling it on my face and in my hair. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel real, like I can finally breathe again. Its odd, I spend the majority of my life indoors. I’m not a big outdoors person. I love the outdoors and all its beauty, but I wouldn’t call myself an outdoors type of person. But sometimes a person can’t truly feel alive in an enclosed room. Seriously though, sometimes when I’m walking outside and the wind just picks up and I can feel it through my hair, everything just seems to freeze. It’s not like a peaceful feeling necessarily. But more like a relief I guess. Like "okay, I’m still here." Like, everything else stops—except for the wind. I guess it’s the one thing that makes me feel like I can breathe. I can finally breathe. Back in the day [okay not really…but last year when I was really depressed] I used to lie down in my bed late at night before going to sleep and just play movies in my head. Like sometimes it would be my suicide. Or I would think up my suicide letter and whom I would address and what I would say. It would calm me down. But anyways, when I was thinking of different suicides one of them was I would go outside of my dorm building late at night or really early in the morning, so no one would be outside. And then I would have a small backpack of things, including a letter etc, and anyways I would continue to climb up a tree by the building yadda yadda yadda. But anyways before that I would just spin in circles. You know…arms slightly out and in a slow mo movie-like matter. And then after I was finished with that I would lie down on my back on a bench and just look up at the sky, and just breathe. Just breathe everything all in. And then for once in my world, everything was calm. I wasn’t suffocating any more. I wasn’t drowning. I wasn’t choking. Whatever it was. All I knew is that I could FINALLY just breathe. Anyways, it’s that feeling that I get when I just stop and notice the wind. It’s not one of those “everything is all right, finally just in that moment” type of deals. Because sometimes everything isn’t all right. I guess it’s more like a forget everything and just feel alive??? I don’t really know how to describe it. Everything I think of just doesn’t sound right.

I guess what it comes down to is that it’s been windy out lately. And while I might complain about it being cold, when I take the time to notice the way it moves through my hair and feels like water just flowing over my skin; it changes me. I know I’ve said this over and over in this but it truly does make me feel like I can finally breathe.