It’s a weird feeling when you cut yourself. Tonight I cut myself twice, deep. In the bathroom. Then I cut myself twice more sitting on my bed. They weren’t as deep. The first two--They made my arm feel heavy and numb….but it didn’t really hurt. Not too much anyways. The pain was in the first initial cut. And then my arm just felt strange. And now, after the next two cuts, I guess it hurt a bit more than the first two…but still its not excruciating or anything. Now the pain is just there, maybe like a mosquito bite or a paper cut. It hurts in that area but I guess its more annoying than anything. The rest of my arm feels like an ache. Like someone hit it or something?? It still feels heavy. I guess it kinda feels like one arm is sitting lower than the other. Right now, the worst part is the dissatisfaction of the whole ordeal. I still want to cut. I want to cut until I feel real. I want to cut until the blood stops flowing. That’s the problem you know, the blood eventually stops coming out. I want to cut myself all over sometimes. It’s frustrating this thing. It really is. Sometimes I just have strange urges to harm myself. And theyre weird too. Like whoever may be reading this, get ready because you are going to think I’m clearly nuts. One time I remember having the strange desire to slice my tongue open. And other times I feel the urge to take a drill to my temple and just start drilling away. Other times, I feel like heating up a fork over the stove and then hitting myself with it as hard as I can. There’s more too. Like once I felt the urge to take a dull spoon and start scooping away at my flesh until I reached organs. They go on. Tons of strange strange urges that I get to harm myself, rather than the normal cutting. Anyways, it’s not always dissatisfactory. Sometimes I feel like I’m clearly going insane….and I’m talking about mental institution kind of insane involving white rooms and padded walls, but then when I finally give into the cutting I feel incredibly calm. Like nothing was ever wrong, and I can finally breathe again. It’s a strange ordeal. Right now I guess I feel slightly satisfactory. I like feeling the constant dull pain on my upper arm/shoulder, it actually makes me smile for a bit. But at the same time, I do feel unsatisfied…like I could cut a few more times and that would be better. Sometimes after I cut myself, I slap myself on wherever I cut as hard as I can…sometimes it makes it bleed again and I like it.
I cant explain why I’m like this. Why I need this pain. Why I always end up resorting to this. People may judge. No, I guess people will judge—its inevitable. But they don’t know me. And I honestly don’t think I can change anymore. Do I think I will get better? Maybe. Do I think I will stop cutting or causing self harm? Probably not. I’ve tried so many times to just stop it. To get better. To just stop being depressed. And I cant. I’ve gone to psychologists, counselors, doctors, and psychotherapists. And I’ve taken medication after medication. I’ve tried to channel my energy into something productive. I’ve tried other ways of feeling the zing of pain. And sure it helps for a while….but eventually this is where I end up. I always end up hurt and with blood flowing out of my arm. My shoulder. My hip. My leg. Hell, even the bottom of my foot.
And I have to say, I guess I can always depend on it. My knife and I.
Is that all I’ll ever be?
"Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame"
