burnt.

I dont really feel like spilling my feelings out in the open right now.

I dont feel in the mood to blog.

But I cant keep this inside.

Saturday night was bad.

So bad that I burnt myself three times on my wrist with lit cigarettes.

I just needed to feel. I needed to feel something. And while it hurt a little bit, I still felt nothing.

All rational thought goes out the window when I get into that state of mind.

I feel like I am literally going crazy.

Anyways, I held the cigarettes there until they burnt out. I got huge blisters and they all popped. I started to get scared.

It didnt hurt that bad at the time, but after a few days it felt like my arm was going to fall off.

I went home. Told my parents. And have never felt more shame in my entire life.

I have 3 third degree burns on my wrist. Three. The burns now are waxy white from the necrotic tissue that has surfaced. And it needs to come off so I can heal. My wrist hurts, but the burns do not. It's because of the third degree burns, the nerve endings are destroyed.

I feel so many things right now.

Shame. Sadness. Deep depression. And oddly, proud.

I cant explain it, but it doesnt make me feel the least bit normal. I feel crazy.

So I guess that's it. That's all I really have to say.

I'm numb,

yet emotional.

But mostly, I just feel nothing.

Nothing at all.